Life’s short…

This is a quiz… June 17, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 8:39 am
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How many times do you have to wash a white dog while painting the exterior doors brick red?
Answer to follow….

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Life is all about choices people! June 15, 2010

Filed under: Blogroll,Humor,Life,Parenting,Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 10:46 am
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Dear family,
#1 Should you choose to make a bowl of cereal in the morning, this would mean that you are making the choice to put said bowl and spoon into the dishwasher (its the black flat thing in the middle of the cabinets)…if the dishwasher is full of clean dishes at the time, then you are also choosing to unload the clean before placing the dirty inside. (Side note, other used dishes throughout the day are included in this choice, and yes this means the pots and pans.)
#2 Should you choose to pee or otherwise in the toilet…any toilet…this would mean that you are also choosing to use the little lever cleverly located on the left hand side of the toilet to flush it down.
#3 Should you choose to wear socks and or underwear on any particular day this would mean you are also choosing to place them in the laundry hamper located in the laundry room…not on the floor, upon their removal…other articles of clothing and towels are also included in this particular choice.
#4 Should you choose to play with the WII, Playstation 2, Gamecube, DS, Sega, or any other such system…you are also choosing to put these items back NEATLY in their proper place.
#5 Should you choose to drag mud ALL THE EFFING WAY THROUGH THE ENTIRE EFFING HOUSE…UPSTAIRS AND DOWN…then you are choosing to get out the damn Floormate, fill it, and then also run it…(I just effing did this at 10:00pm LAST NIGHT!)
#6 Should you choose to turn on lights, TV’s, etc., and then leave a room, you may also choose to shut off the lights, TV’s, etc…OR…pay the astronomical EXCEL BILL! (you get two choices with this one)
#7 Should you choose to sleep in your bed, you are also choosing to make said bed upon departure in the AM or PM or whenever it may be.
#8 Should you sit on my couch or love seat at any given time during the day you are also choosing to fix the pillows and remove any of your crap you left behind upon departure of this area.
#9 Should you choose to wear shoes, then you are also choosing to put them away…where they belong. The back, front, and, middle entryways are not where they belong…just in case you haven’t heard your father and I tell you that the other four frillion times…OUT FRIGGEN LOUD!
#10 Should you choose to remove the contents of any box that I have already packed…then CLEARLY…you are choosing to lose a digit! NO EXCEPTIONS! We move in 13 days people!!!
Thank you.
Signed,
NOT THE DAMN MAID!
PS…
I am choosing to win the damn lottery tomorrow…so please to choose to sell me the winning effing lottery ticket Mr/Ms convenience store cashier!

 

Kids are gross! March 24, 2008

Filed under: Blogroll,Humor,Life,Parenting,Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 6:40 am
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I know that doesn’t sound really nice coming from someone who happens to have five of them…but…

My children are actually almost 19, 16, 13, 10, and 7 years old…

Let’s start with babies…you know…the little ones. They are so full of runny stuff…and have absolutely no prob spewing really disgusting things out in various forms…first is usually the white sour smelling crap that comes out of their mouths consistently…sometimes it may even be chunky…and/or come out of their nose. EEEEWWWEEEE!!!

Did you know there is a scientific problem when it comes to infants…it is the aspect of babies that defies all laws of gravity…shit…and I do mean actual shit…will inevitably travel from the lower portion of the body and reveal it’s ugly (no pun intended) rear at the neckline…how the hell does this happen? They are sitting up all relaxed in their little chair or worse yet your lap and the next thing you know that mustard colored, snotty consistency, runny assed shit is coming out of their friggen neck!  Gross…this is the point that you remove all clothing and toss directly into the trash…rubber gloves and gas masks are highly recommended!!!

Then there is the constant drool that seems to run for approximately 18 friggen months and if you are me…a bib is part of the “outfit” because gross…they are always wet.

They eat with their hands…anything…even if it wasn’t edible to begin with and or also if it was meant to be eaten last week…remember that sippy cup of milk you lost a week ago?  They will eventually find it and apparently the pungent smell is not enough to ward them off of it. Slurp…I have seen this one with my own eyes…GAG!

Eventually they grow…and as they do the messes and gross things they do just change…not go away. Toothpaste smeared all over the bathroom sink and spit all over the counter and mirror because apparently brushing your teeth needs to involve the entire bathroom. Globs of shampoo, conditioner and body soap…dried…don’t worry I will keep the really gross bathroom stuff to myself…except for maybe the time the toilet overflowed so bad that it flooded the kitchen ceiling below and they didn’t bother tell me until I happened to notice the ceiling bowing and had to poke holes in it to release the toilet water before the whole thing gave out…nice…that was a really fun repair job…NOT!

Throughout the years I have spent many hours first scraping the boogers off of the wall and then trying to scrub them off with a bucket of very strong ammonia water…which never worked because those suckers apparently are the secret formula they use in glue…and ultimately it is just easier to paint the effing wall, and yes you do have to sand first unless you like the textured look.

What prompts this post you ask? We moved Madison the youngest, into Kirsten, the oldest sisters old bedroom this weekend…I found all kinds of really cool treasures in there when cleaning it out…my Gawd! She was in that room for a whole six years…how the hell does one trash a room like that? I couldn’t even tell you what most of the shit all over the carpet and walls was but clearly she spilled alot…interesting considering we have a no food or drink in the bedroom policy which was more than obviously ignored by one certain teenager. Well guess how she spent her Easter Sunday…that’s right…she found her Easter basket from the bunny and then proceeded to remove the various types of tape and stickers from the doors and walls and sanding other various unidentifiable chunks of who knows what off of the walls…I think she had fun…and I am pretty sure she will no longer tape things to walls and furniture…WHEW! That only took 19 years to grow her out of!

Madison will be officially moved into her new room tonight…can’t wait to see what I find in her old room.

 

Language barrier no longer… March 3, 2008

Filed under: Boredom,Humor,Life,Parenting — mommy2five @ 1:04 pm
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I think I am getting the hang of this new kind of slang gangsta talkity speak…

I thought a brick was something bricklayers used to make buildings, and houses, and shit, turns out it means that it is “cold”…as in “Turn up the heat, it’s brick in here!” I also thought “biscuits” were something you ate…it now means your shoes are old and dirty, however not to be mistaken for “kicks” which are shiny new shoes.

“Bling” is no longer a sound effect(not to be mistaken for affect) but rather shiny gold jewelry…but on the flip side of that we now wear “ice” which are diamonds instead of putting it in a glass of soda and such. “I am going to jam”…make an exit…not, have jam…on my toast.

We use to cook on the grill now a “grill” is your teeth, with or without braces, some people even purchase new “grills” made out of “bling” and or “ice”…sweet! which actually used to mean something tasted as such but now means that is really cool not to be mistaken as cold because that would be “brick” and not so much awesome!…

If you are “baggin'” you are actually out prowling for a “piece of ass”…not a donkey…and also…not putting your groceries in a bag at the grocery store. “Bangin'” is not what you do on a door anymore but rather what you do with the “Betty” (Betty=hot chick) you “scored” when you were out “baggin”.

If somebody tells you you are a “beast” at something…don’t take offense…it means you are really good at what you are doing…not that you are ugly. Want some extra “cheddar”? You should…I do…it now means money…not a type of cheese.

“Easy” doesn’t mean something is easy to do…or someone is “easy” like we use to say…you now utilize it to mean “I’ll see you later…good bye!”

You’ll be singing a new song with this…Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-la…”la la” is actually marijuana, as well as, “leaf”, “lye”, “piff”, “tree”, and “spliff”.

“Sick” is a good thing as well as “ill”…”weak” is a bad thing…a “whip” is a car…and “word” means “that’s right!”

To “twist” interestingly enough means to have sex not to be confused with being “twisted”…then you are just really drunk or stoned…nothing to do with the original meaning of the word…being tangled!

Anyway I gotta jet…so catch you on the D-L…until then…I will just be chillaxin with my goons on my ba dink a dink…not to be mistaken for ba donk a donk…Easy!

P.S. A “ba dink a dink” is a small skinny chicks butt…whereas a “ba donk a donk” is an…umm…well….you know.

 

Schmucks need not apply… February 28, 2008

Filed under: Blogroll,Career,Humor,Life,Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 7:56 am
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I am going to give you a scenario…

A couple of weeks ago I interviewed 80 gagillion people for 3 positions that I needed to fill at my office. The first one of the morning was a very impressive, cute, young, nicely dressed young lady, who was fairly well spoken, and when she left I was really excited about her. The next was a not so nicely dressed, extremely late for the interview, not so well spoken, not so impressive, gal that made my skin crawl every time she said “Well if you axe me…”, or ” Well you can axe this person…” by the time she left I was already burnt out and ready to axe her! The day went on and interview after interview became even more long and grueling, for the most part, but there were a couple more in between the “junk” that were just as impressive as the first girl, and by that evening I had totally made my mind up on three.  It was crucial at this point to get at least three hired and in by the following week, as we had some clients coming through that we needed to make a good impression on. So, I called the three “chosen” ones and asked them to report to work on the following Tuesday and also told them they should be “dressed for success“, which they totally complied with.  When they arrived I quickly gave each of them some “busy’ work to do to make it look like we were in full production and this is how everyday is, busy, busy, busy…

Girl one“, you know the one, I thought she was going to be great! I sat her down with some stacks of papers that had attachments and needed the staples pulled out of them…she begins

Girl two“, (you don’t know this one but she is now my favorite) I had her separating batches of paperwork…she begins.

Girl three“, (you don’t know this one either but I liked her too)  she sits down and begins counting batches of papers into 100’s.

Well, none of these tasks were hard or strenuous by any stretch of the word…”Girl one” asks to use the bathroom…which, I let her do, because I am nice like that…she emerged from the bathroom approximately 20 minutes later…what the hell was she doing in there?  She sits back down at the desk I had placed her at for about 3 minutes and then asks “Can I make a personal phone call?”…I again said sure and she proceeded back to the bathroom area to make the call…15 more minutes go by and she finally returns. She begins working on the stack of papers I gave her again for about 10 minutes or so and then asks the my original employee if there was a place to go smoke…WTF? You haven’t even been here for an entire hour yet!!! All the while the other two newbies continue on diligently with their busy work…

Here is my dilemma…

The day they came in was strictly for “show” purposes, (they all knew we wouldn’t actually be doing any real work) because of the client walk through that we had that day, the actual start date for them is going to be on the 15th of March, at which point my plan was to train them in on a really big project for an entirely different client. (BTW, we did sign the client we had on that walk through date, so I see more hiring in the near future, lucky me). Alright…the dilemma…sometimes I get off the beaten path…I bet you didn’t notice that…anyway, I have already brought “Girl two” in and have started training her, she is working out beautifully. I am thinking about bringing in “Girl three” on Monday to start training her, I am certain she is also going to work out just great. About “Girl one“…I don’t even want to start her because I am certain we are not going to see eye to eye…I know what I need to do…I just don’t know how to do it…How does this sound:

Hi “Girl one” (insert real name here),

 This is Gina from Hiring Schmucks is Not My Gig International, (insert real company name here) I am emailing to tell you that our big assignment that was to launch on April 1st has dropped as a client…we won’t be needing any additional help at this time. I am real sorry, but I thought I would let you know so you can begin seeking employment elsewhere.

Thank you

What I would really like to say:

Hi “Girl one” (insert real name here),

 This is Gina from Hiring Schmucks is Not My Gig International, (insert real company name here) I am emailing to tell you that although you would definitely get an A++ from the fashion police, your work ethic clearly sucks and I already have an employee that occupies that part of the office so I am not in need of another one at this time. If in the near future I am seeking someone who can work 1/8th of the day consistently I will contact you. I am real sorry, but I thought I would let you know so you can begin seeking employment with a company who is looking for a professional, 20 minute tinkling, 15 minute phone talking, I have been here 45 minutes oh my gawd I need a cigarette kind of employee.

Thank you

Which one do you feel is more appropriate? The short and sweet, or the reality check?

 

Aging will not kick my ASS! February 24, 2008

Filed under: Bars,Beer,Humor,Life,Stupidity — mommy2five @ 12:38 pm
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So yesterday marked the joyous event of my 29th…oops…39th birthday. Thanks to my homegirl “T“, it was an extra special night of eating, drinking (duh), crawling through small spaces, and bowling fun! However, either I drank waaay too much or my age is getting the best of me. I don’t feel any “older” I just feel like shit.  You see it seems as though I never learn my lesson when it comes to knowing when too many is just too many. “T” and “M” went home around midnight last night (I think)…I…on the other hand, trotted my sorry behind down to meet up with Jen at the local shit watering hole to continue on with my birthday festivities…until 2:00 am. And let’s not stop there…why wouldn’t Jen and I go to the truck stop and have breakfast? I was already up and getting hungry and we haven’t really hung out alone for a long, long time so it was a good time for a quality chit chat catchup session and a bunch of giggling because we are really mature like that. I finally made it home around 3:45 am and that brings me to now…I am so tired. I don’t actually think that I drank that much considering the amount of time I was out, and I never really felt like I was seriously buzzing…so I am drawing the conclusion that maybe it is the serious lack of sleep my body is retaliating to…not so much the alcohol consumption factor. Let’s face it old people need a lot of sleep…right?

Hold on a second…too much coffee…I have to pee…

K…I am back…

I think that every birthday should be for two days…the first day is for the partying part and the second day is for the recovery part…sound fair? I thought you would see it my way. So for the rest of today I think I am going to lounge a little and then go meet up with “T” to chat it up over a cup of Starbucks and…try to regain my youth.

 

Have you EVER? January 31, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 8:04 pm
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Ok, so I feel somewhat like a complete and total moron most days lately…here is what I have done in the last week…feel free to sympathise on the basis that you have done some of these same things…

As I am talking to my aunt on the phone trying to get out the door to go to work all the while frantically searching for my damn CELL PHONE…scrambling around the house in and out of the truck…down to my office and back upstairs…into my bedroom out to the kitchen…back to my bedroom and then on to my bathroom…all the while talking to my aunt…on my FRIGGIN’ CELL PHONE…searching…searching…as she says…and I quote…”what the heck are you looking for?”…I say…”My Friggin’ cell phone”…she says…”The one you are talking to me on?”…I say…”Aahh Efen-A!!…What the hell was I thinking?” There went 20 solid minutes of my life.

I get up…get ready for work…start the truck…put on my coat, gloves, and glasses…scoop up my cup of coffee, laptop, purse…and start my frantic search for the keys.to.my.truck…you know the ones…that I already.started.the.damn.truck.with? Another 20 solid minutes out of my life.

Driving along down the freeway on my way back to my office…clearly my mind is in a fog until…suddenly I realize I have passed my exit and I am almost to the bridge that goes directly to my house…have to take the cloverleaf back the other direction on the freeway and back track my sorry ass to my office where I was originally going…not only another 20 minutes out of my life…but about $6.00 extra out of my damn pocket considering the awesome gas mileage my rockstar Lincoln SUV gets.

Go to Beauty Mart to specifically buy some supplies for the secret project…walked out with numerous other items that in no way involve the secret project…and didn’t purchase the originally planned and also very necessary items. Went back the next day and the damn door was locked at 7:49 pm…they aren’t suppose to close until 8:00 pm…needless to say this time I was really really pisster. 11 minutes? I can totally understand 2-3 minutes before 8:00 pm…but hell no not 11 whole minutes…What the eff? I am so going to go there when the manager is there and tattle on the damn lazy ass that closed the door 11.whole.minutes.early. Doesn’t she know how badly I needed those items? I mean it’s the weekend…DUH!

In all seriousness…my brain is fried…I never knew this whole having a full time job and trying to keep up with these kids and their sports and the regular stuff like making an actual meal for supper, doing the laundry, shopping, cleaning, etc…would be such a challenge. I almost took a picture of the laundry room for you all…it’s been bad before…but this was completely out of control…OH MY GOODNESS…what the hell blew up in here? Did the laundry mate while I was at work today? It was like that episode of Star Trek when the Tribbles multiplied…no really… no joke…but thought twice about the picture thing because I didn’t want to scare anyone. I have just about got it under control now but it wasn’t easy.

In the midst of trying to keep things somewhat under control at home and completely furnishing and setting up a whole new office space for my department at work I also attended 3 funerals and 2 wakes since last Saturday.  I am totally funeral-ed out so no more damn dying anyone…GOT IT? I am a member of my daughter who plays varsity hockey’s Redline club…it’s the club that funds all of the extra activities and special things the girls do throughout the season…I love to be involved with these associations, it keeps us involved with our kids and the community and I have also made a ton of really awesome friends…so anyhooo…the big spaghetti fundraiser was on Saturday last weekend which clearly meant that we had to cook the sauce on Thursday night (I thought they said get sauced so of course I showed up) did you know that it takes until 1:00 am to make spaghetti sauce for 600 people? What? Well it did…then on Friday night after the hockey game got over with we had to go and cook the noodles…until…you guessed it…1:00 am…then I promptly got up at six.friggen.forty.five. in the friggen morning on Saturday to go to the Band Backers breakfast fundraiser for our lovably nerdy middle daughter and then off to the VFW again for the actual spaghetti dinner fundraiser…I arrived home after an entire day of drinking at the VFW and then meeting up with my bestest buddy and her husband (and of courseHomie DJ DAWG himself) for a couple of drinks at Sargeant Peppers…I think I arrived home at approximately 12:3o am-ish….and yes just in case you were wondering I was exhausted and extremely hung over on Sunday. Thanks for asking…

The good news…I also belong to the volunteer committee for Fastpitch Softball…Saturday is the taco feed and meat raffle fundraiser…I am totally planning another hangover this Sunday…does anyone have a problem with that? Yep…I didn’t think so…