Dear F-ing washing machine,
I F-ing hate you. You are a beyotch. Why won’t you release my clothing? Five years ago, when we met, I thought we were a match made in heaven. The thought of us doing 3 loads of laundry at one time together filled my heart with an unimaginable joy that no one else could understand (unless they also had a family of 7). I thought we could have a lasting relationship for years and years to come. Your failure to meet my expectations in this short five year relationship, have made me start to think about giving up on us and finding someone new, just last night I dreamt of the hot new Neptune or maybe the new LG. I have committed to you whole heartedly, faithfully filling you every day, making sure you got your exercise and I gave you only the finest soaps available. I expected the same treatment in return. I would like to remind you of the numerous times you have failed me:
#1 Broken door latch two times (which meant me driving into the ghetto twice to buy the $2.44 part) TWICE!
#2 Your inability to freakin’ spin out a simple load of laundry in one shot, why? Why should I have to turn you to the spin cycle more than once and sometimes even twice a load? WHY.WHY.WHY???
#3 The broken shock…$64.00 and a whole lot of cussing on the part of the hubby and also, I had to wait two weeks for you to begin being productive again and that meant a 5 hour day at the local laundrymat. YUCK.NOT.GOOD!
#4 You trapping nickles and socks and such in your motor is not necessary and also creates more cussing on behalf of the hubby. DUH!
Now this…what the hell is wrong with you? I went to get Katy’s much needed softball clothes out of you yesterday and you locked me out…open up you WHORE!
If you continue to behave in this fashion, I no longer wish to have a relationship with you, you don’t play fair. I want a divorce, I HATE YOU!
P.S. Tell your friend the water heater to stop slacking off or he’s out too. It’s 3:00pm, I need a shower, and would prefer to do it in hot or at least luke warm water. I.STINK.
LOOK AT YOU…ALL SMUG AND CRAP…YOU SUCK…LET GO OF MY LAUNDRY!
I am going to trade you in for this if you don’t look out…
Or maybe this…