Life’s short…

Life is all about choices people! June 15, 2010

Filed under: Blogroll,Humor,Life,Parenting,Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 10:46 am
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Dear family,
#1 Should you choose to make a bowl of cereal in the morning, this would mean that you are making the choice to put said bowl and spoon into the dishwasher (its the black flat thing in the middle of the cabinets)…if the dishwasher is full of clean dishes at the time, then you are also choosing to unload the clean before placing the dirty inside. (Side note, other used dishes throughout the day are included in this choice, and yes this means the pots and pans.)
#2 Should you choose to pee or otherwise in the toilet…any toilet…this would mean that you are also choosing to use the little lever cleverly located on the left hand side of the toilet to flush it down.
#3 Should you choose to wear socks and or underwear on any particular day this would mean you are also choosing to place them in the laundry hamper located in the laundry room…not on the floor, upon their removal…other articles of clothing and towels are also included in this particular choice.
#4 Should you choose to play with the WII, Playstation 2, Gamecube, DS, Sega, or any other such system…you are also choosing to put these items back NEATLY in their proper place.
#5 Should you choose to drag mud ALL THE EFFING WAY THROUGH THE ENTIRE EFFING HOUSE…UPSTAIRS AND DOWN…then you are choosing to get out the damn Floormate, fill it, and then also run it…(I just effing did this at 10:00pm LAST NIGHT!)
#6 Should you choose to turn on lights, TV’s, etc., and then leave a room, you may also choose to shut off the lights, TV’s, etc…OR…pay the astronomical EXCEL BILL! (you get two choices with this one)
#7 Should you choose to sleep in your bed, you are also choosing to make said bed upon departure in the AM or PM or whenever it may be.
#8 Should you sit on my couch or love seat at any given time during the day you are also choosing to fix the pillows and remove any of your crap you left behind upon departure of this area.
#9 Should you choose to wear shoes, then you are also choosing to put them away…where they belong. The back, front, and, middle entryways are not where they belong…just in case you haven’t heard your father and I tell you that the other four frillion times…OUT FRIGGEN LOUD!
#10 Should you choose to remove the contents of any box that I have already packed…then CLEARLY…you are choosing to lose a digit! NO EXCEPTIONS! We move in 13 days people!!!
Thank you.
Signed,
NOT THE DAMN MAID!
PS…
I am choosing to win the damn lottery tomorrow…so please to choose to sell me the winning effing lottery ticket Mr/Ms convenience store cashier!

 

Kids are gross! March 24, 2008

Filed under: Blogroll,Humor,Life,Parenting,Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 6:40 am
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I know that doesn’t sound really nice coming from someone who happens to have five of them…but…

My children are actually almost 19, 16, 13, 10, and 7 years old…

Let’s start with babies…you know…the little ones. They are so full of runny stuff…and have absolutely no prob spewing really disgusting things out in various forms…first is usually the white sour smelling crap that comes out of their mouths consistently…sometimes it may even be chunky…and/or come out of their nose. EEEEWWWEEEE!!!

Did you know there is a scientific problem when it comes to infants…it is the aspect of babies that defies all laws of gravity…shit…and I do mean actual shit…will inevitably travel from the lower portion of the body and reveal it’s ugly (no pun intended) rear at the neckline…how the hell does this happen? They are sitting up all relaxed in their little chair or worse yet your lap and the next thing you know that mustard colored, snotty consistency, runny assed shit is coming out of their friggen neck!  Gross…this is the point that you remove all clothing and toss directly into the trash…rubber gloves and gas masks are highly recommended!!!

Then there is the constant drool that seems to run for approximately 18 friggen months and if you are me…a bib is part of the “outfit” because gross…they are always wet.

They eat with their hands…anything…even if it wasn’t edible to begin with and or also if it was meant to be eaten last week…remember that sippy cup of milk you lost a week ago?  They will eventually find it and apparently the pungent smell is not enough to ward them off of it. Slurp…I have seen this one with my own eyes…GAG!

Eventually they grow…and as they do the messes and gross things they do just change…not go away. Toothpaste smeared all over the bathroom sink and spit all over the counter and mirror because apparently brushing your teeth needs to involve the entire bathroom. Globs of shampoo, conditioner and body soap…dried…don’t worry I will keep the really gross bathroom stuff to myself…except for maybe the time the toilet overflowed so bad that it flooded the kitchen ceiling below and they didn’t bother tell me until I happened to notice the ceiling bowing and had to poke holes in it to release the toilet water before the whole thing gave out…nice…that was a really fun repair job…NOT!

Throughout the years I have spent many hours first scraping the boogers off of the wall and then trying to scrub them off with a bucket of very strong ammonia water…which never worked because those suckers apparently are the secret formula they use in glue…and ultimately it is just easier to paint the effing wall, and yes you do have to sand first unless you like the textured look.

What prompts this post you ask? We moved Madison the youngest, into Kirsten, the oldest sisters old bedroom this weekend…I found all kinds of really cool treasures in there when cleaning it out…my Gawd! She was in that room for a whole six years…how the hell does one trash a room like that? I couldn’t even tell you what most of the shit all over the carpet and walls was but clearly she spilled alot…interesting considering we have a no food or drink in the bedroom policy which was more than obviously ignored by one certain teenager. Well guess how she spent her Easter Sunday…that’s right…she found her Easter basket from the bunny and then proceeded to remove the various types of tape and stickers from the doors and walls and sanding other various unidentifiable chunks of who knows what off of the walls…I think she had fun…and I am pretty sure she will no longer tape things to walls and furniture…WHEW! That only took 19 years to grow her out of!

Madison will be officially moved into her new room tonight…can’t wait to see what I find in her old room.

 

Language barrier no longer… March 3, 2008

Filed under: Boredom,Humor,Life,Parenting — mommy2five @ 1:04 pm
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I think I am getting the hang of this new kind of slang gangsta talkity speak…

I thought a brick was something bricklayers used to make buildings, and houses, and shit, turns out it means that it is “cold”…as in “Turn up the heat, it’s brick in here!” I also thought “biscuits” were something you ate…it now means your shoes are old and dirty, however not to be mistaken for “kicks” which are shiny new shoes.

“Bling” is no longer a sound effect(not to be mistaken for affect) but rather shiny gold jewelry…but on the flip side of that we now wear “ice” which are diamonds instead of putting it in a glass of soda and such. “I am going to jam”…make an exit…not, have jam…on my toast.

We use to cook on the grill now a “grill” is your teeth, with or without braces, some people even purchase new “grills” made out of “bling” and or “ice”…sweet! which actually used to mean something tasted as such but now means that is really cool not to be mistaken as cold because that would be “brick” and not so much awesome!…

If you are “baggin'” you are actually out prowling for a “piece of ass”…not a donkey…and also…not putting your groceries in a bag at the grocery store. “Bangin'” is not what you do on a door anymore but rather what you do with the “Betty” (Betty=hot chick) you “scored” when you were out “baggin”.

If somebody tells you you are a “beast” at something…don’t take offense…it means you are really good at what you are doing…not that you are ugly. Want some extra “cheddar”? You should…I do…it now means money…not a type of cheese.

“Easy” doesn’t mean something is easy to do…or someone is “easy” like we use to say…you now utilize it to mean “I’ll see you later…good bye!”

You’ll be singing a new song with this…Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-la…”la la” is actually marijuana, as well as, “leaf”, “lye”, “piff”, “tree”, and “spliff”.

“Sick” is a good thing as well as “ill”…”weak” is a bad thing…a “whip” is a car…and “word” means “that’s right!”

To “twist” interestingly enough means to have sex not to be confused with being “twisted”…then you are just really drunk or stoned…nothing to do with the original meaning of the word…being tangled!

Anyway I gotta jet…so catch you on the D-L…until then…I will just be chillaxin with my goons on my ba dink a dink…not to be mistaken for ba donk a donk…Easy!

P.S. A “ba dink a dink” is a small skinny chicks butt…whereas a “ba donk a donk” is an…umm…well….you know.

 

A safe and happy return… December 30, 2007

Filed under: Humor,Life,Parenting,Therapy — mommy2five @ 6:15 pm
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Whew! I made it back safe and sound…I think…now I just wish those silly aliens had put my house back together before returning me. I mean geeze, that’s the least they could do right? Ok…so I am totally kidding…I wasn’t really lifted by aliens…but I am guessing you already knew that. Christmas, hockey, work, shopping, hockey…I was so totally overwhelmed with everything, I couldn’t stand the thought of having one more thing to do each day…plus the fact that I would have to go sit down at my desk in my office to write and it just wasn’t convienient. I have however solved this issue…

My awesome new boss’ at the company I work for not only threw this totally rockin’ holiday party but they also gave moi…a holiday bonus…obviously because I have given them a total of two solid months of gruelling blood sweat and tears work…so…I totally bought a laptop and now I can write my blog and read all of my favorite blog friend blogs…in bed…all warm…and fuzzy…Yeah! 

There were so many times I had wished I had a laptop because I actually had something to write about but I was just too tiredand lazy to make the effort to go downstairs and sit in my office to write. Often when I finally got the time it was late (9:30pm officially qualifies as “past my bedtime”) and I knew if I went to write in my office I would never get off of the internet and I would stay up way too late and then suffer for several days from the one stupid night of lack of sleep. I like to save lack of sleep days for when I get really stupid…go out…drink too much…and stay up too late…because then at least I had a lot of fun and it was totally worth it.

Well, anyhow I am back now…hopefully to stay this time…I told the aliens I would have to have a longer and much more relaxing stay next time they decided to take me away so…I don’t think they will be messing with me again…

 

Crap and Corruption Continued… November 29, 2007

Filed under: Beer,Blogroll,Humor,Life,Parenting,Stupidity — mommy2five @ 8:25 am
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Ok, so I haven’t been too avid about posting lately…I will just say this…It’s my blog and I will write when I want to…sung to the tune “It’s My Party and I will Cry If I Want Too”  Well anyhoo…did you miss me?  Allow me fill you in on the last 9 days…

Wednesday the 21st was a lot like this topped off with a whole lot of this.  The night before Thanksgiving is a huge event in the town we live in.  It is a lot like a high school reunion thing where everyone crawls out of the woodwork to party and well…I guess…reunite…and drink…a lot.  I think we got home real, real late and were maybe sleeping by approximately 5:00am…come on, I can’t give you all of the details!  Got up at the crack of dawn (11:30am) on Turkey day…just in time to throw some stuffing in the turkster, and toss it the roaster for the day, but not until after we paraded him around naked doing the turkey dance…hey…the “Turkey Dance”…that’s a new one.  Cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, and threw in approximately 20 or so loads of laundry so my house could look somewhat presentable for my favorite peeps to arrive at 4:30pm.  Let the festivities begin…

We had a great night stuffing ourselves and playing games and I of course drank lots more beer to cure the leftover hangover (which worked well and I actually think I am going to utilize that theory more often) we proceeded to stay up until after 1:00am…again.  Normally my hubby and I would get into bed early on Thanksgiving night so we can get up at the butt crack of dawn to plow through the crowds of vicious shoppers trying to get that steal of a deal…needless to say…I wasn’t in the mood and neither was the hubby.  Instead we set the alarm for the butt crack of dawn (for real this time, 5:00am) rolled over in bed, grabbed the laptop and efficiently ordered up the one thing we wanted to get…online…rolled over and went back to sleep until noon.  AHHH the life! 

Saturday was more of this and Sunday followed with this

Monday was a slight bit different with the fact that I woke up to get ready for work and my face was slightly swollen…hmmm…I thought…actually it was more like…”Holy effing shit!!!  What the hell is that???”  It seams as though I was bitten by a giant tarantula while I slept…ok, so maybe it was just a plain old spider, but by the looks of my face you would have thought it was a giant tarantula…I did.  As the day went forward…it swelled to astronomical magnitudes…I.was.not.happy.  By the end of the night I felt and looked like someone had socked me in the cheek.  Well, maybe it wasn’t quite that bad…it felt like it.  I went to sleep thinking that by morning it would subside a bit…not.  I woke up on Tuesday and looked just as bad as it did the day before…nice.  The rest of Tuesday went a bit like this, only mixed in with the fact that we were at the hockey rink from 3:00 pm until 10:30 pm because all three of the hockey playing kids had hockey…one.right.after.the.other…and Kate played two games…in.a.row.  Uuughh.  Iamsosickofhockey. 

On a much happier note…my little angel Madison was watching me apply my makeup this morning…lots of makeup…I was trying to hide the tarantula bite…which now actually just looks a lot like a giant zit…which I can almost live with…and she said “Mommy, why do you put that stuff on your face, you are pretty without it”  She melts me…and also…I love her. 

Well, that should about wrap it up…I am off to go shopping with my favorite bud eva!!!  Have a great day!!!

 

My Life is full of CRAP and CORRUPTION!!! November 20, 2007

Monday, 6:45 am the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze…

6:55 am, the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze…

7:05 am, the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze, at which point I say…”Are you going to get in the shower?  I have to get in there, I have to go to work today”…

7:10am, I get in the shower because he didn’t…now running behind schedule, I shower get dressed, do my hair and proceed to get Madison clothes from her room…trip…fall…and cuss…alot.  Her room is a damn disaster and there is no where to place your feet without stepping on miscellaneous small and pokey sharp little teeny tiny pieces of Brats dolls, Sweet Streets, Princess crap, and at least a gagillion bucket loads worth of fricken video game paraphernalia.  In the midst of this mess is not one single pair of clean pants…anywhere…proceed with mini melt down followed by a very well displayed temper tantrum out of a 38, umm, I mean 28 year old grown up ( I am sure you all would have been proud)!   The disaster that was there turned into a complete catastrophe in a matter of 5.2 seconds.

7:50 am temper tantrum almost over with, Madison is dressed and ready to proceed out the door to school by 8:06 am and I am now also late getting out the door to get to work.

Eff-ing traffic is backed up for no.apparent.good.effing.reason.damn.it.

8:35 am…Arrive at work.  Apparently the last day worked by someone else, was too hard on said someone else and they didn’t get the prep work done for Monday before they left at 4:15 pm on Friday, (what the hell did you do all day?)  I can get the whole days work and the prep done before 2:00 pm on everyday that I am there and then some…I.just.don’t.get.it.moron.  I Luckily escape serious injury for the day, ei, no papercuts or staple stabs, although I didn’t get time to practice my left handed paperclipping, I did manage to finish ALL of my work and prep for the someone elses for today before 3:00 pm.

2:45 pm…Hubby calls…he wants to know if I want to go to JP’S for dinner and a few drinks?  Well hell yeah!  I am going to need it by the time today gets over with!  I AM IN!!!

3:05…phone rings again…daughter number two calling to ask to go to a friends house after school until she has to go to hockey…I respond…HELL NO!!! Have you seen the freakin house?  No one is going anywhere until that shit is cleaned up, I am totally sick of looking at the messes and dishes and the laundry and the crap and corruption that has taken over our abode and it is going to get cleaned up TODAY!  I proceed with my rant for a good long time and said basically the same crap I say to everyone in this house everyday.  I.AM.ONLY.ONE.EFFING.PERSON.AND.I.CAN’T.DO.ALL.OF.THIS.SHIT.MYSELF.  I swear they are all in on a conspiracy to drive me to the insane asylum.  Hang up phone and proceed to drive home.

3:15 pm…Phone rings again…daughter number two again, “Dave called” (her hockey coach)…”he wants me to go to Varsity and JV practice…he is picking me up in a couple of minutes…my stick is in your truck”…

3:20 pm…Haul ass to hockey rink…drop off stick…come home to pick up son (kid number 4)…bring him to the rink…tie his skates…proceed home…

4:55 pm…assess the disaster at home briefly…turn around and get back into the truck to go back to the rink once again to pick up daughter number two.

5:10 pm…daughter number three calls…”I NEED some Chex cereal, brown sugar, and Karo syrup, for a school project…can you get that for me?” What the hell?  Why would you need that now?  And I suppose this is due tomorrow?  Damn it!  and also…NO! 

5:25 pm…thought I would try to relax at the rink until 5:40 at which point daughter number two is done with practice…I was wrong…so wrong…a hockey board member (name withheld) approaches me and says she needs my sons birth certificate…now.

5:27 pm…hop in lightning fast Lincoln press the “invisible from police officers” shield and proceed through the streets of town heading for home again at approximately five gagillion miles per hour to scan, and print sons birth certificate…

5:40 pm back at the rink…beeyotch is gone…but look!  Hubby has arrived!  Receive rather big hug from hubby and as I am hoping that all things are better now, he says…”I don’t think we are going to make it to JP’s on time for dinner”…I respond with…”WHAT!  That was all that was getting me through this day!  What are you doing to me?”

5:45 pm…daughter number two emerges from the locker room smelling like a dead and rotting carcass and says she needs me to bring her to Taylor’s to do a project…Taylor goes to school in our town but doesn’t dwell here, it is a very long drive to Taylor’s house and it is a school night and daughter number three has a band concert at 6:45 pm.  And hell to the no…I am not driving you to Taylor’s, do your project alone at our house and next time pick a partner that lives by us…DUH!…Now SHE need ingredients.  Proceed to grocery store to buy…Chex cereal, brown sugar, Karo syrup, cream cheese, graham crackers, semi sweet morsel, vanilla…

6:05 pm…return home…drive daughter number three to school for band concert…realize we forgot the damn graham crackers.

6:15 pm…call Dad have him pick up some graham crackers.

6:47 pm…Dad and I arrive at the band concert…we listen to the horrible harmonious band concert

7:15 pm…arrive home once again…call JP…GREAT NEWS…they haven’t started eating yet!  Hop back in car and fly to JP’s where we were served a fabulous meal and drank six a few beers talked and then finished up the night with a few really, really, fun rounds of Beer Pong.  Don’t worry, I didn’t know what it was either…but I do now…and it’s a blast!   

12:05 am…arrive home to this…

12:15 am…write this…

Am I still in the running for Mother of the year?  You can just drop my trophy in the mail and ship to: 

555 I have lost my frickin’ marbles

Insane Asylum MN, 55555  USA

PS  Does anyone have any Diazepam???

                                                                                             

 

Pumpkins and hippies and robbers…OH MY! November 2, 2007

I know, I know, I haven’t posted…you try having three kids in hockey, one that is moving out, a dog with an ear infection, a job, Halloween on a weeknight complete with a teengage Halloween party

(My kid is on the far right of the second pic.) (FYI, this is only about a third of what was here, I couldn’t fit them all in)

that consisted of the entire 10th grade and then some…and then there is the part where there just wasn’t anything more exciting to write about than last weekends party that we got drunk at attended cuz I am positive you do not want to hear about how I drive back and forth to the hockey rink fourteen gagillion times a week…well that is nothing interesting until yesterday…

I arrived at work at 8:25 am, walked all the way to the back door which had a sign on it that said…use front door…damn it!  No, the sign didn’t say “damn it”…I did.   I then had to walk all the way the heck back around the big hugenormous building to the front to get in, all the while cussing because we live in MINNESOTA PEOPLE!  Do you know it’s freakin’ frigid ass cold in the morning in November here?  HELLO!  Why would you lock the main employee entrance and make poor little old freezin’ her booty off mwah walk all the way around?  As I walked up the two, count them, two, really tall flights of stairs, I noticed a little bit of glass on them, kept walking anyhow, got to the top, turned the corner and saw this…

 

Gasped…

Turned the next corner and found this…

 

Isn’t it cute…

It’s the police report number, and a very broken door handle, complete with fingerprint dust and everything along with a pretty well jammed dead bolt, thank you very much, because apparently some idiots had a very different idea of what TRICK OR TREAT means.  Candy bars, suckers, and popcorn balls are not what they wanted this year, greedy bastards.

Now fortunately, our dead bolt was locked, (we have really important documents in our office) and they didn’t actually get into our office (they did manage to get in to some other offices and made away with a few laptops and cameras)…as a matter of fact neither could I and I had the freakin’ key, but the bolt was bent downward from the crow bar or whatever it is that they used to try to get in and I couldn’t turn it.

I walked myself back down to the main office and told the dilemma to my boss Pat, who replied with…ooooh, let me go see if I can karate kick it open…I giggled.

We walked back down to my office and just as he said, he gave it a swift one, two, karate kick, LOL!  I totally should have video’d this because it was hysterical and also…it didn’t work, so, he tried it again, I laughed some more…the wall moved this time, but not the door, not even an inch.

Making a long story short, they called a locksmith and I was in the office within the next hour, they replaced all of the locks and handles and all was good.  It sure did make for an exciting day though…by the way…does anyone know how to get fingerprint dust off?  It is still all over the door and somehow I managed to get it on my clothes…and when I asked the officer he said, “I just put the stuff on, I don’t know how to get it off.”  Nice.