Life’s short…

A safe and happy return… December 30, 2007

Filed under: Humor,Life,Parenting,Therapy — mommy2five @ 6:15 pm
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Whew! I made it back safe and sound…I think…now I just wish those silly aliens had put my house back together before returning me. I mean geeze, that’s the least they could do right? Ok…so I am totally kidding…I wasn’t really lifted by aliens…but I am guessing you already knew that. Christmas, hockey, work, shopping, hockey…I was so totally overwhelmed with everything, I couldn’t stand the thought of having one more thing to do each day…plus the fact that I would have to go sit down at my desk in my office to write and it just wasn’t convienient. I have however solved this issue…

My awesome new boss’ at the company I work for not only threw this totally rockin’ holiday party but they also gave moi…a holiday bonus…obviously because I have given them a total of two solid months of gruelling blood sweat and tears work…so…I totally bought a laptop and now I can write my blog and read all of my favorite blog friend blogs…in bed…all warm…and fuzzy…Yeah! 

There were so many times I had wished I had a laptop because I actually had something to write about but I was just too tiredand lazy to make the effort to go downstairs and sit in my office to write. Often when I finally got the time it was late (9:30pm officially qualifies as “past my bedtime”) and I knew if I went to write in my office I would never get off of the internet and I would stay up way too late and then suffer for several days from the one stupid night of lack of sleep. I like to save lack of sleep days for when I get really stupid…go out…drink too much…and stay up too late…because then at least I had a lot of fun and it was totally worth it.

Well, anyhow I am back now…hopefully to stay this time…I told the aliens I would have to have a longer and much more relaxing stay next time they decided to take me away so…I don’t think they will be messing with me again…

 

My Life is full of CRAP and CORRUPTION!!! November 20, 2007

Monday, 6:45 am the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze…

6:55 am, the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze…

7:05 am, the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze, at which point I say…”Are you going to get in the shower?  I have to get in there, I have to go to work today”…

7:10am, I get in the shower because he didn’t…now running behind schedule, I shower get dressed, do my hair and proceed to get Madison clothes from her room…trip…fall…and cuss…alot.  Her room is a damn disaster and there is no where to place your feet without stepping on miscellaneous small and pokey sharp little teeny tiny pieces of Brats dolls, Sweet Streets, Princess crap, and at least a gagillion bucket loads worth of fricken video game paraphernalia.  In the midst of this mess is not one single pair of clean pants…anywhere…proceed with mini melt down followed by a very well displayed temper tantrum out of a 38, umm, I mean 28 year old grown up ( I am sure you all would have been proud)!   The disaster that was there turned into a complete catastrophe in a matter of 5.2 seconds.

7:50 am temper tantrum almost over with, Madison is dressed and ready to proceed out the door to school by 8:06 am and I am now also late getting out the door to get to work.

Eff-ing traffic is backed up for no.apparent.good.effing.reason.damn.it.

8:35 am…Arrive at work.  Apparently the last day worked by someone else, was too hard on said someone else and they didn’t get the prep work done for Monday before they left at 4:15 pm on Friday, (what the hell did you do all day?)  I can get the whole days work and the prep done before 2:00 pm on everyday that I am there and then some…I.just.don’t.get.it.moron.  I Luckily escape serious injury for the day, ei, no papercuts or staple stabs, although I didn’t get time to practice my left handed paperclipping, I did manage to finish ALL of my work and prep for the someone elses for today before 3:00 pm.

2:45 pm…Hubby calls…he wants to know if I want to go to JP’S for dinner and a few drinks?  Well hell yeah!  I am going to need it by the time today gets over with!  I AM IN!!!

3:05…phone rings again…daughter number two calling to ask to go to a friends house after school until she has to go to hockey…I respond…HELL NO!!! Have you seen the freakin house?  No one is going anywhere until that shit is cleaned up, I am totally sick of looking at the messes and dishes and the laundry and the crap and corruption that has taken over our abode and it is going to get cleaned up TODAY!  I proceed with my rant for a good long time and said basically the same crap I say to everyone in this house everyday.  I.AM.ONLY.ONE.EFFING.PERSON.AND.I.CAN’T.DO.ALL.OF.THIS.SHIT.MYSELF.  I swear they are all in on a conspiracy to drive me to the insane asylum.  Hang up phone and proceed to drive home.

3:15 pm…Phone rings again…daughter number two again, “Dave called” (her hockey coach)…”he wants me to go to Varsity and JV practice…he is picking me up in a couple of minutes…my stick is in your truck”…

3:20 pm…Haul ass to hockey rink…drop off stick…come home to pick up son (kid number 4)…bring him to the rink…tie his skates…proceed home…

4:55 pm…assess the disaster at home briefly…turn around and get back into the truck to go back to the rink once again to pick up daughter number two.

5:10 pm…daughter number three calls…”I NEED some Chex cereal, brown sugar, and Karo syrup, for a school project…can you get that for me?” What the hell?  Why would you need that now?  And I suppose this is due tomorrow?  Damn it!  and also…NO! 

5:25 pm…thought I would try to relax at the rink until 5:40 at which point daughter number two is done with practice…I was wrong…so wrong…a hockey board member (name withheld) approaches me and says she needs my sons birth certificate…now.

5:27 pm…hop in lightning fast Lincoln press the “invisible from police officers” shield and proceed through the streets of town heading for home again at approximately five gagillion miles per hour to scan, and print sons birth certificate…

5:40 pm back at the rink…beeyotch is gone…but look!  Hubby has arrived!  Receive rather big hug from hubby and as I am hoping that all things are better now, he says…”I don’t think we are going to make it to JP’s on time for dinner”…I respond with…”WHAT!  That was all that was getting me through this day!  What are you doing to me?”

5:45 pm…daughter number two emerges from the locker room smelling like a dead and rotting carcass and says she needs me to bring her to Taylor’s to do a project…Taylor goes to school in our town but doesn’t dwell here, it is a very long drive to Taylor’s house and it is a school night and daughter number three has a band concert at 6:45 pm.  And hell to the no…I am not driving you to Taylor’s, do your project alone at our house and next time pick a partner that lives by us…DUH!…Now SHE need ingredients.  Proceed to grocery store to buy…Chex cereal, brown sugar, Karo syrup, cream cheese, graham crackers, semi sweet morsel, vanilla…

6:05 pm…return home…drive daughter number three to school for band concert…realize we forgot the damn graham crackers.

6:15 pm…call Dad have him pick up some graham crackers.

6:47 pm…Dad and I arrive at the band concert…we listen to the horrible harmonious band concert

7:15 pm…arrive home once again…call JP…GREAT NEWS…they haven’t started eating yet!  Hop back in car and fly to JP’s where we were served a fabulous meal and drank six a few beers talked and then finished up the night with a few really, really, fun rounds of Beer Pong.  Don’t worry, I didn’t know what it was either…but I do now…and it’s a blast!   

12:05 am…arrive home to this…

12:15 am…write this…

Am I still in the running for Mother of the year?  You can just drop my trophy in the mail and ship to: 

555 I have lost my frickin’ marbles

Insane Asylum MN, 55555  USA

PS  Does anyone have any Diazepam???

                                                                                             

 

Help!!! I have fallen and I can’t get up!! November 14, 2007

There are somedays where I truly think I could possibly be “special”, not special in the way of “people think I am a special person” but more like the “she should be wearing a hockey helmet” type of special.  Yesterday for example I figured out there is no possible way I can attatch a paperclip to a stack of papers with my left hand…yes…I tried…for.a.good.long.time.  It just wasn’t happening, don’t tell my boss I wasted that much time trying to accomplish such a feat on the company’s dime…please?

Today I set out to try to find a way to design and host my own blog (mainly because I can’t do some certain things on this certain blog host site) and I actually thought I could accomplish this…by.myself.  I spent entirely too much time doing this and also google searching free blog templates that aren’t actually free and then I got sucked into looking at them all anyway…what.a.waste.of.time.  I have tried to use Dreamweaver,  Web easy (easy my ass),  and Go Live…only to figure out that it takes a rocket scientist to work these programs and I am currently only at rocket investigator status.  I have been working on Adobe Photoshop for at least 9 years, which I know is a photo editor, but if I can work every stinking tool on that gosh forsaken program with my eyes closed…why the H-E-double hockey sticks can’t I figure out these stupid web design programs…also…I.am.impatient.

So does anyone have any bright ideas for me before I lose what is left of my ever.lovin’.mind?  Maybe someone knows of a program that I can buy that would be “easy for real” to learn?  Maybe?  I do already own a domain for my photography business site (don’t go there, I still haven’t figured that out one either, I took down the old stuff so I could put up the really awesome cool new one…also.not.happening.) I know I can have like eight gagillion subsites with that, I just don’t know how to put together all of the css.html.rss.meta.lingo.crap.my.head.is.spinning…help!

PS.  Oh yeah…am I asking too much? 

And no…I haven’t been drinking either.

 

It’s all coming back to me now! November 12, 2007

Filed under: Bars,Beer,Blogroll,Humor,Life,Stupidity,Therapy — mommy2five @ 2:50 pm
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I was thinking about all the topics that I am going to write about on here someday…but…I started to remember some of the incidents and happenings of Saturday night so I thought I might share some of them instead.  Although sorry to disappoint, I will not be telling you in traditional story format, because that is just getting old. 

I remembered that with in the first 10 minutes of being in the bar the words “I am soooo BLOGGING that!” shot out of my mouth…can’t remember however what it was that I was going to blog…just that I was SOOOOO gonna do it.

I remembered taking a whole bunch of pictures of Jennie with Terri and Terri with Jennie, and also Jennie with Dwayne…or was it Dwight?  Jennie with Mark, Mark with Dan, Terri with DJ Dawg (He was officially named Homie DJ Dawg, compliments of Terri and I today, because he whined that he didn’t have a “Homie” name and wanted one), my beer…DUH…cuz I almost always take at least one picture of my beer, (funny how every weekend it looks the same as the last) Terri’s butt, Jennie’s butt, me in the mirror in the bathroom (whoaaa! Can you say flash reflection?)…oh yeah, and then the pictures of us throwing popcorn in Jennie’s hoodie hood, cuz she was “drunk” and wouldn’t remember it in the morning…the unibomber (he had his hood on his head in the bar the entire night…freak) Mark and Jennie again, Dan doing really disgusting things…it involved a tongue and some fingers, me, (man I look really drunk in that one) and finally…my cell phone, (which was actually a text message that was being sent to my lovely birthday boy hubby type that didn’t show up to the bar to party with us for his birthday) the message read, “Fan thinks I got a boo job!”, translation “Dan thinks I got a boob job”…I didn’t.

The night was definitely filled with more “I am soooo gonna blog that!”  But I can’t remember any of the said instances…except for the one about the Rod Lebster…it took me awhile but I finally remembered why I said that, here goes…there was this scrubby looking fellow talking to Jennie, and Terri asked me who he was and why was he talking to her…I replied with…”Oh I think she knows him from the Rod Lebster”…sparking yet another huge bout of laughter from Terri and me and then I said “That’s so mine!  I am so gonna blog that one, you can’t take it from me!!  I totally have to write that down so I don’t forget it.”…somehow it is not nearly as funny as I am typing this.  

I for one did a whole lot of really horrible singing, I will not speak for anyone else…I was for sure beyond drunk…it was definitely not my best night of performances.  The “Trio” for sure tried to sing the Pussy Cat Dolls…again…Jennie.we.so.can’t.sing.that.song.  I do remember at one point somebody and me dancing out on the patio…badly…and no, I did not take off any articles of clothing…I just meant I also cannot dance and somehow it always looks sort of bad and naughty…I don’t try.  I am pretty sure the “Lawn Mower” the “Sprinkler” and “Grocery Shopping” are not real dances…and the “Spanky Spank” also does not qualify…you be the judge.

I just now remembered that I was making faces from the patio into the bar involving my nostrils and fat lips on the glass.oh.dear.God.what.have.I.done?  I better stop now…I am pretty sure I don’t want to remember anything else at this point, I think it may be wise for me to see a shrink.  Does anyone know one that does not have the initials MGD?

That’s it, besides the fact that we stopped at another bar on the way home…we aren’t even going there…I managed to pass out in my bed without…puking…it was a “chunk free” evening…therefore it must have been good evening…right?

 

A new story in the works… November 10, 2007

Filed under: Bars,Beer,Humor,Life,Therapy — mommy2five @ 5:10 pm
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Ya all might want to stay tuned…I feel a new story in the making…It’s two somebody specials BIRTHDAYS!!!  I will give you a hint…one starts with a “T” and the other starts with a “J”.  It could be a good one…

OFF WE GOOOOO!!!

PS  Lol!! Look at my tags, lol!  What was I thinking…that one must have subconciously slipped…oops!  Either that or it’s the pre game beers that I am drinking while I am posting…hmmm.

 

Pumpkins and hippies and robbers…OH MY! November 2, 2007

I know, I know, I haven’t posted…you try having three kids in hockey, one that is moving out, a dog with an ear infection, a job, Halloween on a weeknight complete with a teengage Halloween party

(My kid is on the far right of the second pic.) (FYI, this is only about a third of what was here, I couldn’t fit them all in)

that consisted of the entire 10th grade and then some…and then there is the part where there just wasn’t anything more exciting to write about than last weekends party that we got drunk at attended cuz I am positive you do not want to hear about how I drive back and forth to the hockey rink fourteen gagillion times a week…well that is nothing interesting until yesterday…

I arrived at work at 8:25 am, walked all the way to the back door which had a sign on it that said…use front door…damn it!  No, the sign didn’t say “damn it”…I did.   I then had to walk all the way the heck back around the big hugenormous building to the front to get in, all the while cussing because we live in MINNESOTA PEOPLE!  Do you know it’s freakin’ frigid ass cold in the morning in November here?  HELLO!  Why would you lock the main employee entrance and make poor little old freezin’ her booty off mwah walk all the way around?  As I walked up the two, count them, two, really tall flights of stairs, I noticed a little bit of glass on them, kept walking anyhow, got to the top, turned the corner and saw this…

 

Gasped…

Turned the next corner and found this…

 

Isn’t it cute…

It’s the police report number, and a very broken door handle, complete with fingerprint dust and everything along with a pretty well jammed dead bolt, thank you very much, because apparently some idiots had a very different idea of what TRICK OR TREAT means.  Candy bars, suckers, and popcorn balls are not what they wanted this year, greedy bastards.

Now fortunately, our dead bolt was locked, (we have really important documents in our office) and they didn’t actually get into our office (they did manage to get in to some other offices and made away with a few laptops and cameras)…as a matter of fact neither could I and I had the freakin’ key, but the bolt was bent downward from the crow bar or whatever it is that they used to try to get in and I couldn’t turn it.

I walked myself back down to the main office and told the dilemma to my boss Pat, who replied with…ooooh, let me go see if I can karate kick it open…I giggled.

We walked back down to my office and just as he said, he gave it a swift one, two, karate kick, LOL!  I totally should have video’d this because it was hysterical and also…it didn’t work, so, he tried it again, I laughed some more…the wall moved this time, but not the door, not even an inch.

Making a long story short, they called a locksmith and I was in the office within the next hour, they replaced all of the locks and handles and all was good.  It sure did make for an exciting day though…by the way…does anyone know how to get fingerprint dust off?  It is still all over the door and somehow I managed to get it on my clothes…and when I asked the officer he said, “I just put the stuff on, I don’t know how to get it off.”  Nice.

 

“The Halloween Story” October 28, 2007

 

 

The Great Halloween story…Sequel to…”Possibly another drunken story”

Our story starts out at the home of “T2” and “G”…

The excitement of this night has been mounting all week, everyone one is giddy with happiness, the beers were maybe partly to blame for the mood.

Homies “T2”, “G”, “M”, “T”, (he, he, get it…m, t,…you know…empty…lol) “D”, and “J”, get together at “T2” and “G”’s to the start off the evening.  They had decided to do some pregaming while getting their costumes together, there is much laughter as “T2” and “G”’s daughter’s “K”, and “K2”, apply “T2”, “M”, and “D”’s makeup.

After they finish, the group is ready to snap a few pics, this proves to be one of the highlights of the night.  With the guys being sort of rambunctious in costume, they ran around squeezing each other’s well stuffed braziers, striking poses, making sexy lips faces to each other (a particular fav of “D”’s), pinching butt cheeks and saying things they thought apparently sounded like something real women have said at some point in their lives.

The hired ride arrives, off to the bar the 3 couples go…

Upon arrival the Seventies Charlie Angels get an impressive rise out of the crowd at the bar.  It was a total riot!  The Hot Charlies Angels, while hot and all, didn’t get as much of a reaction, ( in fact…none)but they were ok with that.  Being the good sports that they are, they just kicked back with theirs beers and let their guy/girls have their fun.

As the night progressed much mingling, singing, flirting with all the Angels, boob squeezing, and butt slapping, may have occurred…everyone was enjoying themselves immensely.  Free shots for anyone in costume?  What?  Where? Who came up with that stupid idea…just say no “G”…just say no.  ”G” listens and declineds the free shots as did most of the group…just not “J”…rumor has it…she may have had two!  Which might explain some of this…

and maybe this…

ehem…yet I have know idea why this might have happened???

or this?

Or any of this…

“J” is such naughty girl…isn’t she?

OH MY!!!

So any hoo…these three clowns Charlies Angels…win third prize!!!

Last call is announced, the limo arrives to pick up the crew, a night of fun has come to an end, but never fear, the “three” got a beer tab for winning third, so you know what that means…a sequel to the Halloween Party Night!

 

The end…

Photo Credits:

“T2”, “G”, “T”, and also some random people in the bar…

There’s more stuff over here at “T”‘s…if you are interested