Life’s short…

Schmucks need not apply… February 28, 2008

Filed under: Blogroll,Career,Humor,Life,Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 7:56 am
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I am going to give you a scenario…

A couple of weeks ago I interviewed 80 gagillion people for 3 positions that I needed to fill at my office. The first one of the morning was a very impressive, cute, young, nicely dressed young lady, who was fairly well spoken, and when she left I was really excited about her. The next was a not so nicely dressed, extremely late for the interview, not so well spoken, not so impressive, gal that made my skin crawl every time she said “Well if you axe me…”, or ” Well you can axe this person…” by the time she left I was already burnt out and ready to axe her! The day went on and interview after interview became even more long and grueling, for the most part, but there were a couple more in between the “junk” that were just as impressive as the first girl, and by that evening I had totally made my mind up on three.  It was crucial at this point to get at least three hired and in by the following week, as we had some clients coming through that we needed to make a good impression on. So, I called the three “chosen” ones and asked them to report to work on the following Tuesday and also told them they should be “dressed for success“, which they totally complied with.  When they arrived I quickly gave each of them some “busy’ work to do to make it look like we were in full production and this is how everyday is, busy, busy, busy…

Girl one“, you know the one, I thought she was going to be great! I sat her down with some stacks of papers that had attachments and needed the staples pulled out of them…she begins

Girl two“, (you don’t know this one but she is now my favorite) I had her separating batches of paperwork…she begins.

Girl three“, (you don’t know this one either but I liked her too)  she sits down and begins counting batches of papers into 100’s.

Well, none of these tasks were hard or strenuous by any stretch of the word…”Girl one” asks to use the bathroom…which, I let her do, because I am nice like that…she emerged from the bathroom approximately 20 minutes later…what the hell was she doing in there?  She sits back down at the desk I had placed her at for about 3 minutes and then asks “Can I make a personal phone call?”…I again said sure and she proceeded back to the bathroom area to make the call…15 more minutes go by and she finally returns. She begins working on the stack of papers I gave her again for about 10 minutes or so and then asks the my original employee if there was a place to go smoke…WTF? You haven’t even been here for an entire hour yet!!! All the while the other two newbies continue on diligently with their busy work…

Here is my dilemma…

The day they came in was strictly for “show” purposes, (they all knew we wouldn’t actually be doing any real work) because of the client walk through that we had that day, the actual start date for them is going to be on the 15th of March, at which point my plan was to train them in on a really big project for an entirely different client. (BTW, we did sign the client we had on that walk through date, so I see more hiring in the near future, lucky me). Alright…the dilemma…sometimes I get off the beaten path…I bet you didn’t notice that…anyway, I have already brought “Girl two” in and have started training her, she is working out beautifully. I am thinking about bringing in “Girl three” on Monday to start training her, I am certain she is also going to work out just great. About “Girl one“…I don’t even want to start her because I am certain we are not going to see eye to eye…I know what I need to do…I just don’t know how to do it…How does this sound:

Hi “Girl one” (insert real name here),

 This is Gina from Hiring Schmucks is Not My Gig International, (insert real company name here) I am emailing to tell you that our big assignment that was to launch on April 1st has dropped as a client…we won’t be needing any additional help at this time. I am real sorry, but I thought I would let you know so you can begin seeking employment elsewhere.

Thank you

What I would really like to say:

Hi “Girl one” (insert real name here),

 This is Gina from Hiring Schmucks is Not My Gig International, (insert real company name here) I am emailing to tell you that although you would definitely get an A++ from the fashion police, your work ethic clearly sucks and I already have an employee that occupies that part of the office so I am not in need of another one at this time. If in the near future I am seeking someone who can work 1/8th of the day consistently I will contact you. I am real sorry, but I thought I would let you know so you can begin seeking employment with a company who is looking for a professional, 20 minute tinkling, 15 minute phone talking, I have been here 45 minutes oh my gawd I need a cigarette kind of employee.

Thank you

Which one do you feel is more appropriate? The short and sweet, or the reality check?

 

My Life is full of CRAP and CORRUPTION!!! November 20, 2007

Monday, 6:45 am the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze…

6:55 am, the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze…

7:05 am, the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze, at which point I say…”Are you going to get in the shower?  I have to get in there, I have to go to work today”…

7:10am, I get in the shower because he didn’t…now running behind schedule, I shower get dressed, do my hair and proceed to get Madison clothes from her room…trip…fall…and cuss…alot.  Her room is a damn disaster and there is no where to place your feet without stepping on miscellaneous small and pokey sharp little teeny tiny pieces of Brats dolls, Sweet Streets, Princess crap, and at least a gagillion bucket loads worth of fricken video game paraphernalia.  In the midst of this mess is not one single pair of clean pants…anywhere…proceed with mini melt down followed by a very well displayed temper tantrum out of a 38, umm, I mean 28 year old grown up ( I am sure you all would have been proud)!   The disaster that was there turned into a complete catastrophe in a matter of 5.2 seconds.

7:50 am temper tantrum almost over with, Madison is dressed and ready to proceed out the door to school by 8:06 am and I am now also late getting out the door to get to work.

Eff-ing traffic is backed up for no.apparent.good.effing.reason.damn.it.

8:35 am…Arrive at work.  Apparently the last day worked by someone else, was too hard on said someone else and they didn’t get the prep work done for Monday before they left at 4:15 pm on Friday, (what the hell did you do all day?)  I can get the whole days work and the prep done before 2:00 pm on everyday that I am there and then some…I.just.don’t.get.it.moron.  I Luckily escape serious injury for the day, ei, no papercuts or staple stabs, although I didn’t get time to practice my left handed paperclipping, I did manage to finish ALL of my work and prep for the someone elses for today before 3:00 pm.

2:45 pm…Hubby calls…he wants to know if I want to go to JP’S for dinner and a few drinks?  Well hell yeah!  I am going to need it by the time today gets over with!  I AM IN!!!

3:05…phone rings again…daughter number two calling to ask to go to a friends house after school until she has to go to hockey…I respond…HELL NO!!! Have you seen the freakin house?  No one is going anywhere until that shit is cleaned up, I am totally sick of looking at the messes and dishes and the laundry and the crap and corruption that has taken over our abode and it is going to get cleaned up TODAY!  I proceed with my rant for a good long time and said basically the same crap I say to everyone in this house everyday.  I.AM.ONLY.ONE.EFFING.PERSON.AND.I.CAN’T.DO.ALL.OF.THIS.SHIT.MYSELF.  I swear they are all in on a conspiracy to drive me to the insane asylum.  Hang up phone and proceed to drive home.

3:15 pm…Phone rings again…daughter number two again, “Dave called” (her hockey coach)…”he wants me to go to Varsity and JV practice…he is picking me up in a couple of minutes…my stick is in your truck”…

3:20 pm…Haul ass to hockey rink…drop off stick…come home to pick up son (kid number 4)…bring him to the rink…tie his skates…proceed home…

4:55 pm…assess the disaster at home briefly…turn around and get back into the truck to go back to the rink once again to pick up daughter number two.

5:10 pm…daughter number three calls…”I NEED some Chex cereal, brown sugar, and Karo syrup, for a school project…can you get that for me?” What the hell?  Why would you need that now?  And I suppose this is due tomorrow?  Damn it!  and also…NO! 

5:25 pm…thought I would try to relax at the rink until 5:40 at which point daughter number two is done with practice…I was wrong…so wrong…a hockey board member (name withheld) approaches me and says she needs my sons birth certificate…now.

5:27 pm…hop in lightning fast Lincoln press the “invisible from police officers” shield and proceed through the streets of town heading for home again at approximately five gagillion miles per hour to scan, and print sons birth certificate…

5:40 pm back at the rink…beeyotch is gone…but look!  Hubby has arrived!  Receive rather big hug from hubby and as I am hoping that all things are better now, he says…”I don’t think we are going to make it to JP’s on time for dinner”…I respond with…”WHAT!  That was all that was getting me through this day!  What are you doing to me?”

5:45 pm…daughter number two emerges from the locker room smelling like a dead and rotting carcass and says she needs me to bring her to Taylor’s to do a project…Taylor goes to school in our town but doesn’t dwell here, it is a very long drive to Taylor’s house and it is a school night and daughter number three has a band concert at 6:45 pm.  And hell to the no…I am not driving you to Taylor’s, do your project alone at our house and next time pick a partner that lives by us…DUH!…Now SHE need ingredients.  Proceed to grocery store to buy…Chex cereal, brown sugar, Karo syrup, cream cheese, graham crackers, semi sweet morsel, vanilla…

6:05 pm…return home…drive daughter number three to school for band concert…realize we forgot the damn graham crackers.

6:15 pm…call Dad have him pick up some graham crackers.

6:47 pm…Dad and I arrive at the band concert…we listen to the horrible harmonious band concert

7:15 pm…arrive home once again…call JP…GREAT NEWS…they haven’t started eating yet!  Hop back in car and fly to JP’s where we were served a fabulous meal and drank six a few beers talked and then finished up the night with a few really, really, fun rounds of Beer Pong.  Don’t worry, I didn’t know what it was either…but I do now…and it’s a blast!   

12:05 am…arrive home to this…

12:15 am…write this…

Am I still in the running for Mother of the year?  You can just drop my trophy in the mail and ship to: 

555 I have lost my frickin’ marbles

Insane Asylum MN, 55555  USA

PS  Does anyone have any Diazepam???

                                                                                             

 

Help!!! I have fallen and I can’t get up!! November 14, 2007

There are somedays where I truly think I could possibly be “special”, not special in the way of “people think I am a special person” but more like the “she should be wearing a hockey helmet” type of special.  Yesterday for example I figured out there is no possible way I can attatch a paperclip to a stack of papers with my left hand…yes…I tried…for.a.good.long.time.  It just wasn’t happening, don’t tell my boss I wasted that much time trying to accomplish such a feat on the company’s dime…please?

Today I set out to try to find a way to design and host my own blog (mainly because I can’t do some certain things on this certain blog host site) and I actually thought I could accomplish this…by.myself.  I spent entirely too much time doing this and also google searching free blog templates that aren’t actually free and then I got sucked into looking at them all anyway…what.a.waste.of.time.  I have tried to use Dreamweaver,  Web easy (easy my ass),  and Go Live…only to figure out that it takes a rocket scientist to work these programs and I am currently only at rocket investigator status.  I have been working on Adobe Photoshop for at least 9 years, which I know is a photo editor, but if I can work every stinking tool on that gosh forsaken program with my eyes closed…why the H-E-double hockey sticks can’t I figure out these stupid web design programs…also…I.am.impatient.

So does anyone have any bright ideas for me before I lose what is left of my ever.lovin’.mind?  Maybe someone knows of a program that I can buy that would be “easy for real” to learn?  Maybe?  I do already own a domain for my photography business site (don’t go there, I still haven’t figured that out one either, I took down the old stuff so I could put up the really awesome cool new one…also.not.happening.) I know I can have like eight gagillion subsites with that, I just don’t know how to put together all of the css.html.rss.meta.lingo.crap.my.head.is.spinning…help!

PS.  Oh yeah…am I asking too much? 

And no…I haven’t been drinking either.

 

Annoyed, Irritated, and Injured November 8, 2007

Filed under: Blogroll,Career,Humor,Life — mommy2five @ 8:43 pm
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Annoyed, irritated, and injured…

#1 on the docket…ANNOYED

Is it just me? I have a horrible time with people who can’t speak plain and simple English. I think it could possibly be worse than fingernails on a chalkboard…no I am not talking about the typical types of lazy grammar, like using cuz instead of because, or ya instead of you, or even saying yeah for yes, cuz that is just the way of life is these days and also…I am terribly guilty of all of those.  However just this week I have heard “these” horrible things spewed out of the mouths of people who I thought were slightly more intelligent than what they made themselves sound…fyi…I only corrected one of them…he actually argued with me that I.WAS.WRONG…I won in the end…here they are in no particular order…

“I have that wrote down for you.”  (“Are you joking me? What did you just say?” Was my reply to this, invoking the whole argument about what he should have said.)

“That chili got all ate”  (I was at a meeting when this one happened)

“I haven’t aten anything all day” (aten is not even a word!!!  I have heard two separate people use this one, and it has also been followed by “or drankin” once…also not a word)  YIKES!

This was just this week by the “so I thought” smarter people I came in contact with, I certainly didn’t list ANY of the completely ridiculous things that might have been uttered at the local Walmart, we have already been down that road and it is pointless to go there again.

I wasn’t actually going to post the corrected versions of these statements, but now that I think of it…maybe I should…just in case someone actually reads this blog and wanted to use proper grammar as to try not to annoy me if we should ever cross paths in person.  So here they are…

“I have that WRITTEN down for you”

“THE chili has been all EATEN”  or option 2 “The chili was/is all EATEN”  (OMG!)

“I haven’t EATEN (or DRANK) anything all day.” (seriously)

I could go on and on about this as there are many more tainted sentences out there, but I will leave them alone for now.

#2 IRRITATED

Why can’t people MERGE onto the freeway???

I cannot possibly begin to tell you how many times a week I have had to dodge someone merging on or off of the freeway…these people are dumb…and they should be shot.

I was just about run over by ANOTHER semi truck (and yes this has already happened to me once.THE.STUPID.IDIOT.ANYHOW.)  Just because you are bigger than anyone else on the road does not give you free reign of the freeway, you have to share it with others who might also be occupying the same space and therefore you should use proper merging techniques, cutting people off is not proper.

Grandma/pa…STEP.ON.IT!!!  You CANNOT merge onto a freeway with vehicles that are going 60mph 75mph, if you are going 20mph when you hit the end of the ramp…it is a proven fact of physics…and stopping before you merge is also out of the question…DUH!

Ummm…hello there stupid idiot, I was watching you come down the ramp waaay toooo fast and adjusted for you because I knew you weren’t even remotely watching to see who might already be in the lane…pay freakin’ attention dumb ass cuz YOU are the one merging in, not me and I don’t want to play the guessing game of whether or not you will choose to slow down or speed up to fit in the 200 car length space after me that was available for you to merge smoothly into had you actually been paying FREAKIN’ ATTENTION!!!…also DUH!!!

#3 INJURED

I think my job is hazardous and I should quit…

This is just one of the 30 gagillion papercuts I have received at my job so far…and these are medical papers that I deal with and what if there are icky disgusting germs on them from the hospital/clinic people…yuck…I.think.I.am.sick…cough, cough.

 

Feeling a little bloggy today… October 19, 2007

Well…since Terri and Joe think that I have been neglecting my blog… I decided to be all bloggy on my day off and overload you all!  You can totally always count on me to be nice like that.  So without further adoooo…A WEEK IN REVIEW…It started out last Saturday morning when for the first time in months I had not woken up from a bad dream about my childhood (aka nutjob mother…elaboration coming someday…maybe) but instead I had dreamt that my home office was this really calm and fun place to work in…so duh…I went to Menards and bought paint…

This is what it looked like before (well after I asked my really awesome hubby if A, he would help me move everything out of my office)

 

(And 2, if he cared that I paint my office PINK)

 

Isn’t it cool?  I love it!  It’s like I am shopping at Vickie’s all day long!

 

Then off to meet the BFF and “company” at the bar of course

There was some of this…

 

And a little of that…

 

And maybe some of this…

 

OOOOh how I love the whole payback thing!  LOL!

We had some serious fun that night.

And sorry Joe…we forgot to take the pic you requested, will this do?

 

I only had to work at the office two days this week, so on my days off I keyed at home in my pretty pretty new office, went through the 4 gagillion penis enlargement emails (which I graciously forwarded onto some my friends that I thought were maybe in need of something like that, because..duh…I don’t have a penis of my own and I am also nice like that), met with a couple of customers, worked on photo orders, went to conferences for 4 of the 5 of my superduperdeedoo chicklets, and tried to find space for all of the leftover crap from my office that I have no idea what to do with…

 

Not happening…

Did I mention the Amazing Rock Incident?

 

That’s right, you heard me…it appears there is this amazing rock that can totally jump some 15 feet in the air.all.by.it’s self.

 

No really…look!

 

This happened last week Thursday night, when I was busy in my still olive drab office.  My son came down to my office and said, and I quote, “the window is broken”…not “I broke the window”…but rather, “the window is broken”…I asked…”How did the window get broken?”  and he simply replied with…”this rock rolled across the sidewalk and it took a bad hop up and hit the window”…I then said…”how does a rock just take a bad hop up and hit the window hard enough to break it?”…he said…”I don’t know, it just did.”…that is almost the end of the story, I will keep the events that occurred after to myself…yes he IS still alive today.

 

Blogging hiatus…over October 9, 2007

So it seems as though I went on a blogging hiatus this week?  Well, here is what happened…

A few weeks ago, I had gone to a seminar for keying online (data entry) with my niece.  I thought it would be nice to have a little extra cash once in a while and I could do it when I had extra time, no pressure.  I have been doing that at least a little everyday since then and I enjoy it, it’s a quiet, no pressure, kind of deal.  You only get paid when you work and you only work when you want to.  Great deal for me!  Eugene is the supervisor of this online deal and has been a wonderful support system.

Wednesday morning:

I had just gotten the two little ones off to school and was putting a load of laundry in the (bitch)washer, the phone rang, it was 8:20am, I answered:

Hello?

Hi Gina, this is Eugene, I was wondering if you could come into the office today to help us out, are you busy?

Umm, no, I was just going to try to put my house together today…but it can wait.

Well could you be here…soon?

How soon, I need to shower, and what would I need to wear?

Whatever, just “look good”.

Oookaaay?  I should be able to get there by 9:30-ish.

Great, we’ll see you then!

So, I showered, put on my best pair of Express dress pants, Express cami, and Express sweater, and off I went…to the office. Which is where my story actually begins…

Upon arriving I was sat in a chair at a desk, all that was said was “sit here and look busy, we have some potential clients coming in and the girl that works in this position isn’t here today because she hit her head on the garage door”?

I immediately thought to myself, she is obviously dodging work today, who hits their head on a garage door and then can’t possibly make it into to work?  Sounded fishy to me. As the day progressed, (and they actually did give me something to do, other than just looking good), I had jokingly made the comment that if “garage door” chick didn’t want to show up to work reliably, I would do it.  Two hours later they received an email from “garage door” chick…she quit…I was hired…i.now.have.a.job.

And so, as the story goes, I am now officially a working class citizen after being a stay at homer for somewhere around 18 years, it feels weird and I am trying to adjust since I was in no way prepared to run off and work, at a real job, and my house is still not in order and my time has been monopolized by working during the day and running the kids at night, and also finishing photo orders and shooting sittings, and the house is still a mess, did I mention that one already?  I will get it together, it’s just going to take some time, and a lot more effort than I am used to.  I will try harder to post more than this though, just give me time…just give me time…(that was quite possibly the longest run on sentence in the history of the Life’s short…blog eva!)

P.S.  I can totally wear my Victoria’s Secret Team Pink across the ass sweat pants to work all I want…BONUS!