Life’s short…

A safe and happy return… December 30, 2007

Filed under: Humor,Life,Parenting,Therapy — mommy2five @ 6:15 pm
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Whew! I made it back safe and sound…I think…now I just wish those silly aliens had put my house back together before returning me. I mean geeze, that’s the least they could do right? Ok…so I am totally kidding…I wasn’t really lifted by aliens…but I am guessing you already knew that. Christmas, hockey, work, shopping, hockey…I was so totally overwhelmed with everything, I couldn’t stand the thought of having one more thing to do each day…plus the fact that I would have to go sit down at my desk in my office to write and it just wasn’t convienient. I have however solved this issue…

My awesome new boss’ at the company I work for not only threw this totally rockin’ holiday party but they also gave moi…a holiday bonus…obviously because I have given them a total of two solid months of gruelling blood sweat and tears work…so…I totally bought a laptop and now I can write my blog and read all of my favorite blog friend blogs…in bed…all warm…and fuzzy…Yeah! 

There were so many times I had wished I had a laptop because I actually had something to write about but I was just too tiredand lazy to make the effort to go downstairs and sit in my office to write. Often when I finally got the time it was late (9:30pm officially qualifies as “past my bedtime”) and I knew if I went to write in my office I would never get off of the internet and I would stay up way too late and then suffer for several days from the one stupid night of lack of sleep. I like to save lack of sleep days for when I get really stupid…go out…drink too much…and stay up too late…because then at least I had a lot of fun and it was totally worth it.

Well, anyhow I am back now…hopefully to stay this time…I told the aliens I would have to have a longer and much more relaxing stay next time they decided to take me away so…I don’t think they will be messing with me again…

 

The Aliens have invaded December 18, 2007

Filed under: Blogroll,Humor,Life — mommy2five @ 11:30 am
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Greetings Earthlings,

 I have been abducted by aliens…there is talk about returning me sometime after Christmas….

 

Crap and Corruption Continued… November 29, 2007

Filed under: Beer,Blogroll,Humor,Life,Parenting,Stupidity — mommy2five @ 8:25 am
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Ok, so I haven’t been too avid about posting lately…I will just say this…It’s my blog and I will write when I want to…sung to the tune “It’s My Party and I will Cry If I Want Too”  Well anyhoo…did you miss me?  Allow me fill you in on the last 9 days…

Wednesday the 21st was a lot like this topped off with a whole lot of this.  The night before Thanksgiving is a huge event in the town we live in.  It is a lot like a high school reunion thing where everyone crawls out of the woodwork to party and well…I guess…reunite…and drink…a lot.  I think we got home real, real late and were maybe sleeping by approximately 5:00am…come on, I can’t give you all of the details!  Got up at the crack of dawn (11:30am) on Turkey day…just in time to throw some stuffing in the turkster, and toss it the roaster for the day, but not until after we paraded him around naked doing the turkey dance…hey…the “Turkey Dance”…that’s a new one.  Cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, and threw in approximately 20 or so loads of laundry so my house could look somewhat presentable for my favorite peeps to arrive at 4:30pm.  Let the festivities begin…

We had a great night stuffing ourselves and playing games and I of course drank lots more beer to cure the leftover hangover (which worked well and I actually think I am going to utilize that theory more often) we proceeded to stay up until after 1:00am…again.  Normally my hubby and I would get into bed early on Thanksgiving night so we can get up at the butt crack of dawn to plow through the crowds of vicious shoppers trying to get that steal of a deal…needless to say…I wasn’t in the mood and neither was the hubby.  Instead we set the alarm for the butt crack of dawn (for real this time, 5:00am) rolled over in bed, grabbed the laptop and efficiently ordered up the one thing we wanted to get…online…rolled over and went back to sleep until noon.  AHHH the life! 

Saturday was more of this and Sunday followed with this

Monday was a slight bit different with the fact that I woke up to get ready for work and my face was slightly swollen…hmmm…I thought…actually it was more like…”Holy effing shit!!!  What the hell is that???”  It seams as though I was bitten by a giant tarantula while I slept…ok, so maybe it was just a plain old spider, but by the looks of my face you would have thought it was a giant tarantula…I did.  As the day went forward…it swelled to astronomical magnitudes…I.was.not.happy.  By the end of the night I felt and looked like someone had socked me in the cheek.  Well, maybe it wasn’t quite that bad…it felt like it.  I went to sleep thinking that by morning it would subside a bit…not.  I woke up on Tuesday and looked just as bad as it did the day before…nice.  The rest of Tuesday went a bit like this, only mixed in with the fact that we were at the hockey rink from 3:00 pm until 10:30 pm because all three of the hockey playing kids had hockey…one.right.after.the.other…and Kate played two games…in.a.row.  Uuughh.  Iamsosickofhockey. 

On a much happier note…my little angel Madison was watching me apply my makeup this morning…lots of makeup…I was trying to hide the tarantula bite…which now actually just looks a lot like a giant zit…which I can almost live with…and she said “Mommy, why do you put that stuff on your face, you are pretty without it”  She melts me…and also…I love her. 

Well, that should about wrap it up…I am off to go shopping with my favorite bud eva!!!  Have a great day!!!

 

My Life is full of CRAP and CORRUPTION!!! November 20, 2007

Monday, 6:45 am the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze…

6:55 am, the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze…

7:05 am, the alarm goes off, husband hits snooze, at which point I say…”Are you going to get in the shower?  I have to get in there, I have to go to work today”…

7:10am, I get in the shower because he didn’t…now running behind schedule, I shower get dressed, do my hair and proceed to get Madison clothes from her room…trip…fall…and cuss…alot.  Her room is a damn disaster and there is no where to place your feet without stepping on miscellaneous small and pokey sharp little teeny tiny pieces of Brats dolls, Sweet Streets, Princess crap, and at least a gagillion bucket loads worth of fricken video game paraphernalia.  In the midst of this mess is not one single pair of clean pants…anywhere…proceed with mini melt down followed by a very well displayed temper tantrum out of a 38, umm, I mean 28 year old grown up ( I am sure you all would have been proud)!   The disaster that was there turned into a complete catastrophe in a matter of 5.2 seconds.

7:50 am temper tantrum almost over with, Madison is dressed and ready to proceed out the door to school by 8:06 am and I am now also late getting out the door to get to work.

Eff-ing traffic is backed up for no.apparent.good.effing.reason.damn.it.

8:35 am…Arrive at work.  Apparently the last day worked by someone else, was too hard on said someone else and they didn’t get the prep work done for Monday before they left at 4:15 pm on Friday, (what the hell did you do all day?)  I can get the whole days work and the prep done before 2:00 pm on everyday that I am there and then some…I.just.don’t.get.it.moron.  I Luckily escape serious injury for the day, ei, no papercuts or staple stabs, although I didn’t get time to practice my left handed paperclipping, I did manage to finish ALL of my work and prep for the someone elses for today before 3:00 pm.

2:45 pm…Hubby calls…he wants to know if I want to go to JP’S for dinner and a few drinks?  Well hell yeah!  I am going to need it by the time today gets over with!  I AM IN!!!

3:05…phone rings again…daughter number two calling to ask to go to a friends house after school until she has to go to hockey…I respond…HELL NO!!! Have you seen the freakin house?  No one is going anywhere until that shit is cleaned up, I am totally sick of looking at the messes and dishes and the laundry and the crap and corruption that has taken over our abode and it is going to get cleaned up TODAY!  I proceed with my rant for a good long time and said basically the same crap I say to everyone in this house everyday.  I.AM.ONLY.ONE.EFFING.PERSON.AND.I.CAN’T.DO.ALL.OF.THIS.SHIT.MYSELF.  I swear they are all in on a conspiracy to drive me to the insane asylum.  Hang up phone and proceed to drive home.

3:15 pm…Phone rings again…daughter number two again, “Dave called” (her hockey coach)…”he wants me to go to Varsity and JV practice…he is picking me up in a couple of minutes…my stick is in your truck”…

3:20 pm…Haul ass to hockey rink…drop off stick…come home to pick up son (kid number 4)…bring him to the rink…tie his skates…proceed home…

4:55 pm…assess the disaster at home briefly…turn around and get back into the truck to go back to the rink once again to pick up daughter number two.

5:10 pm…daughter number three calls…”I NEED some Chex cereal, brown sugar, and Karo syrup, for a school project…can you get that for me?” What the hell?  Why would you need that now?  And I suppose this is due tomorrow?  Damn it!  and also…NO! 

5:25 pm…thought I would try to relax at the rink until 5:40 at which point daughter number two is done with practice…I was wrong…so wrong…a hockey board member (name withheld) approaches me and says she needs my sons birth certificate…now.

5:27 pm…hop in lightning fast Lincoln press the “invisible from police officers” shield and proceed through the streets of town heading for home again at approximately five gagillion miles per hour to scan, and print sons birth certificate…

5:40 pm back at the rink…beeyotch is gone…but look!  Hubby has arrived!  Receive rather big hug from hubby and as I am hoping that all things are better now, he says…”I don’t think we are going to make it to JP’s on time for dinner”…I respond with…”WHAT!  That was all that was getting me through this day!  What are you doing to me?”

5:45 pm…daughter number two emerges from the locker room smelling like a dead and rotting carcass and says she needs me to bring her to Taylor’s to do a project…Taylor goes to school in our town but doesn’t dwell here, it is a very long drive to Taylor’s house and it is a school night and daughter number three has a band concert at 6:45 pm.  And hell to the no…I am not driving you to Taylor’s, do your project alone at our house and next time pick a partner that lives by us…DUH!…Now SHE need ingredients.  Proceed to grocery store to buy…Chex cereal, brown sugar, Karo syrup, cream cheese, graham crackers, semi sweet morsel, vanilla…

6:05 pm…return home…drive daughter number three to school for band concert…realize we forgot the damn graham crackers.

6:15 pm…call Dad have him pick up some graham crackers.

6:47 pm…Dad and I arrive at the band concert…we listen to the horrible harmonious band concert

7:15 pm…arrive home once again…call JP…GREAT NEWS…they haven’t started eating yet!  Hop back in car and fly to JP’s where we were served a fabulous meal and drank six a few beers talked and then finished up the night with a few really, really, fun rounds of Beer Pong.  Don’t worry, I didn’t know what it was either…but I do now…and it’s a blast!   

12:05 am…arrive home to this…

12:15 am…write this…

Am I still in the running for Mother of the year?  You can just drop my trophy in the mail and ship to: 

555 I have lost my frickin’ marbles

Insane Asylum MN, 55555  USA

PS  Does anyone have any Diazepam???

                                                                                             

 

Help!!! I have fallen and I can’t get up!! November 14, 2007

There are somedays where I truly think I could possibly be “special”, not special in the way of “people think I am a special person” but more like the “she should be wearing a hockey helmet” type of special.  Yesterday for example I figured out there is no possible way I can attatch a paperclip to a stack of papers with my left hand…yes…I tried…for.a.good.long.time.  It just wasn’t happening, don’t tell my boss I wasted that much time trying to accomplish such a feat on the company’s dime…please?

Today I set out to try to find a way to design and host my own blog (mainly because I can’t do some certain things on this certain blog host site) and I actually thought I could accomplish this…by.myself.  I spent entirely too much time doing this and also google searching free blog templates that aren’t actually free and then I got sucked into looking at them all anyway…what.a.waste.of.time.  I have tried to use Dreamweaver,  Web easy (easy my ass),  and Go Live…only to figure out that it takes a rocket scientist to work these programs and I am currently only at rocket investigator status.  I have been working on Adobe Photoshop for at least 9 years, which I know is a photo editor, but if I can work every stinking tool on that gosh forsaken program with my eyes closed…why the H-E-double hockey sticks can’t I figure out these stupid web design programs…also…I.am.impatient.

So does anyone have any bright ideas for me before I lose what is left of my ever.lovin’.mind?  Maybe someone knows of a program that I can buy that would be “easy for real” to learn?  Maybe?  I do already own a domain for my photography business site (don’t go there, I still haven’t figured that out one either, I took down the old stuff so I could put up the really awesome cool new one…also.not.happening.) I know I can have like eight gagillion subsites with that, I just don’t know how to put together all of the css.html.rss.meta.lingo.crap.my.head.is.spinning…help!

PS.  Oh yeah…am I asking too much? 

And no…I haven’t been drinking either.

 

It’s all coming back to me now! November 12, 2007

Filed under: Bars,Beer,Blogroll,Humor,Life,Stupidity,Therapy — mommy2five @ 2:50 pm
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I was thinking about all the topics that I am going to write about on here someday…but…I started to remember some of the incidents and happenings of Saturday night so I thought I might share some of them instead.  Although sorry to disappoint, I will not be telling you in traditional story format, because that is just getting old. 

I remembered that with in the first 10 minutes of being in the bar the words “I am soooo BLOGGING that!” shot out of my mouth…can’t remember however what it was that I was going to blog…just that I was SOOOOO gonna do it.

I remembered taking a whole bunch of pictures of Jennie with Terri and Terri with Jennie, and also Jennie with Dwayne…or was it Dwight?  Jennie with Mark, Mark with Dan, Terri with DJ Dawg (He was officially named Homie DJ Dawg, compliments of Terri and I today, because he whined that he didn’t have a “Homie” name and wanted one), my beer…DUH…cuz I almost always take at least one picture of my beer, (funny how every weekend it looks the same as the last) Terri’s butt, Jennie’s butt, me in the mirror in the bathroom (whoaaa! Can you say flash reflection?)…oh yeah, and then the pictures of us throwing popcorn in Jennie’s hoodie hood, cuz she was “drunk” and wouldn’t remember it in the morning…the unibomber (he had his hood on his head in the bar the entire night…freak) Mark and Jennie again, Dan doing really disgusting things…it involved a tongue and some fingers, me, (man I look really drunk in that one) and finally…my cell phone, (which was actually a text message that was being sent to my lovely birthday boy hubby type that didn’t show up to the bar to party with us for his birthday) the message read, “Fan thinks I got a boo job!”, translation “Dan thinks I got a boob job”…I didn’t.

The night was definitely filled with more “I am soooo gonna blog that!”  But I can’t remember any of the said instances…except for the one about the Rod Lebster…it took me awhile but I finally remembered why I said that, here goes…there was this scrubby looking fellow talking to Jennie, and Terri asked me who he was and why was he talking to her…I replied with…”Oh I think she knows him from the Rod Lebster”…sparking yet another huge bout of laughter from Terri and me and then I said “That’s so mine!  I am so gonna blog that one, you can’t take it from me!!  I totally have to write that down so I don’t forget it.”…somehow it is not nearly as funny as I am typing this.  

I for one did a whole lot of really horrible singing, I will not speak for anyone else…I was for sure beyond drunk…it was definitely not my best night of performances.  The “Trio” for sure tried to sing the Pussy Cat Dolls…again…Jennie.we.so.can’t.sing.that.song.  I do remember at one point somebody and me dancing out on the patio…badly…and no, I did not take off any articles of clothing…I just meant I also cannot dance and somehow it always looks sort of bad and naughty…I don’t try.  I am pretty sure the “Lawn Mower” the “Sprinkler” and “Grocery Shopping” are not real dances…and the “Spanky Spank” also does not qualify…you be the judge.

I just now remembered that I was making faces from the patio into the bar involving my nostrils and fat lips on the glass.oh.dear.God.what.have.I.done?  I better stop now…I am pretty sure I don’t want to remember anything else at this point, I think it may be wise for me to see a shrink.  Does anyone know one that does not have the initials MGD?

That’s it, besides the fact that we stopped at another bar on the way home…we aren’t even going there…I managed to pass out in my bed without…puking…it was a “chunk free” evening…therefore it must have been good evening…right?

 

Wow…I am so lazy… November 11, 2007

Filed under: Bars,Beer,Blogroll,Boredom,Humor,Life,Stupidity — mommy2five @ 11:07 am
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Ok, so you’re going to laugh…I think…last night, “D” and “J” picked me up because “T2” was tired and jet lagged from the week in Altanta (which I sorta didn’t tell you all because I was creeped out about telling the internet he was gone for a week and I was home here with five kids by myself and all) so he was taking a little nap and then meeting us all up at Pep’s later.  It was his B-day on Wednesday but he was out of town so we didn’t celebrate it and it is someone else’s B-day today, hence most of the reason why “the crew” was going out to begin with.  So, I had every intention of sitting down at the computer today and writing some fantastic version of last night events…

Well…I am really tired…not hungover, just really, really tired…lazy…and also…the only thing I can remember right now is that at some point during a conversation with “T“, I said Rod Lebster…I only know this because there was a napkin in my pocket that said “I said Rod Lebster”.

Oh, also, I think I found the Unibomber…see…shhhh…he doesn’t know I caugh him on camera…I am so sly like that…

PS “T2” never did get his ass out of bed…we totally celebrated with out him…and also, everybody give a big shout out to “T“, as she turns 29 today!!!

 

A new story in the works… November 10, 2007

Filed under: Bars,Beer,Humor,Life,Therapy — mommy2five @ 5:10 pm
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Ya all might want to stay tuned…I feel a new story in the making…It’s two somebody specials BIRTHDAYS!!!  I will give you a hint…one starts with a “T” and the other starts with a “J”.  It could be a good one…

OFF WE GOOOOO!!!

PS  Lol!! Look at my tags, lol!  What was I thinking…that one must have subconciously slipped…oops!  Either that or it’s the pre game beers that I am drinking while I am posting…hmmm.

 

Annoyed, Irritated, and Injured November 8, 2007

Filed under: Blogroll,Career,Humor,Life — mommy2five @ 8:43 pm
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Annoyed, irritated, and injured…

#1 on the docket…ANNOYED

Is it just me? I have a horrible time with people who can’t speak plain and simple English. I think it could possibly be worse than fingernails on a chalkboard…no I am not talking about the typical types of lazy grammar, like using cuz instead of because, or ya instead of you, or even saying yeah for yes, cuz that is just the way of life is these days and also…I am terribly guilty of all of those.  However just this week I have heard “these” horrible things spewed out of the mouths of people who I thought were slightly more intelligent than what they made themselves sound…fyi…I only corrected one of them…he actually argued with me that I.WAS.WRONG…I won in the end…here they are in no particular order…

“I have that wrote down for you.”  (“Are you joking me? What did you just say?” Was my reply to this, invoking the whole argument about what he should have said.)

“That chili got all ate”  (I was at a meeting when this one happened)

“I haven’t aten anything all day” (aten is not even a word!!!  I have heard two separate people use this one, and it has also been followed by “or drankin” once…also not a word)  YIKES!

This was just this week by the “so I thought” smarter people I came in contact with, I certainly didn’t list ANY of the completely ridiculous things that might have been uttered at the local Walmart, we have already been down that road and it is pointless to go there again.

I wasn’t actually going to post the corrected versions of these statements, but now that I think of it…maybe I should…just in case someone actually reads this blog and wanted to use proper grammar as to try not to annoy me if we should ever cross paths in person.  So here they are…

“I have that WRITTEN down for you”

“THE chili has been all EATEN”  or option 2 “The chili was/is all EATEN”  (OMG!)

“I haven’t EATEN (or DRANK) anything all day.” (seriously)

I could go on and on about this as there are many more tainted sentences out there, but I will leave them alone for now.

#2 IRRITATED

Why can’t people MERGE onto the freeway???

I cannot possibly begin to tell you how many times a week I have had to dodge someone merging on or off of the freeway…these people are dumb…and they should be shot.

I was just about run over by ANOTHER semi truck (and yes this has already happened to me once.THE.STUPID.IDIOT.ANYHOW.)  Just because you are bigger than anyone else on the road does not give you free reign of the freeway, you have to share it with others who might also be occupying the same space and therefore you should use proper merging techniques, cutting people off is not proper.

Grandma/pa…STEP.ON.IT!!!  You CANNOT merge onto a freeway with vehicles that are going 60mph 75mph, if you are going 20mph when you hit the end of the ramp…it is a proven fact of physics…and stopping before you merge is also out of the question…DUH!

Ummm…hello there stupid idiot, I was watching you come down the ramp waaay toooo fast and adjusted for you because I knew you weren’t even remotely watching to see who might already be in the lane…pay freakin’ attention dumb ass cuz YOU are the one merging in, not me and I don’t want to play the guessing game of whether or not you will choose to slow down or speed up to fit in the 200 car length space after me that was available for you to merge smoothly into had you actually been paying FREAKIN’ ATTENTION!!!…also DUH!!!

#3 INJURED

I think my job is hazardous and I should quit…

This is just one of the 30 gagillion papercuts I have received at my job so far…and these are medical papers that I deal with and what if there are icky disgusting germs on them from the hospital/clinic people…yuck…I.think.I.am.sick…cough, cough.

 

Pumpkins and hippies and robbers…OH MY! November 2, 2007

I know, I know, I haven’t posted…you try having three kids in hockey, one that is moving out, a dog with an ear infection, a job, Halloween on a weeknight complete with a teengage Halloween party

(My kid is on the far right of the second pic.) (FYI, this is only about a third of what was here, I couldn’t fit them all in)

that consisted of the entire 10th grade and then some…and then there is the part where there just wasn’t anything more exciting to write about than last weekends party that we got drunk at attended cuz I am positive you do not want to hear about how I drive back and forth to the hockey rink fourteen gagillion times a week…well that is nothing interesting until yesterday…

I arrived at work at 8:25 am, walked all the way to the back door which had a sign on it that said…use front door…damn it!  No, the sign didn’t say “damn it”…I did.   I then had to walk all the way the heck back around the big hugenormous building to the front to get in, all the while cussing because we live in MINNESOTA PEOPLE!  Do you know it’s freakin’ frigid ass cold in the morning in November here?  HELLO!  Why would you lock the main employee entrance and make poor little old freezin’ her booty off mwah walk all the way around?  As I walked up the two, count them, two, really tall flights of stairs, I noticed a little bit of glass on them, kept walking anyhow, got to the top, turned the corner and saw this…

 

Gasped…

Turned the next corner and found this…

 

Isn’t it cute…

It’s the police report number, and a very broken door handle, complete with fingerprint dust and everything along with a pretty well jammed dead bolt, thank you very much, because apparently some idiots had a very different idea of what TRICK OR TREAT means.  Candy bars, suckers, and popcorn balls are not what they wanted this year, greedy bastards.

Now fortunately, our dead bolt was locked, (we have really important documents in our office) and they didn’t actually get into our office (they did manage to get in to some other offices and made away with a few laptops and cameras)…as a matter of fact neither could I and I had the freakin’ key, but the bolt was bent downward from the crow bar or whatever it is that they used to try to get in and I couldn’t turn it.

I walked myself back down to the main office and told the dilemma to my boss Pat, who replied with…ooooh, let me go see if I can karate kick it open…I giggled.

We walked back down to my office and just as he said, he gave it a swift one, two, karate kick, LOL!  I totally should have video’d this because it was hysterical and also…it didn’t work, so, he tried it again, I laughed some more…the wall moved this time, but not the door, not even an inch.

Making a long story short, they called a locksmith and I was in the office within the next hour, they replaced all of the locks and handles and all was good.  It sure did make for an exciting day though…by the way…does anyone know how to get fingerprint dust off?  It is still all over the door and somehow I managed to get it on my clothes…and when I asked the officer he said, “I just put the stuff on, I don’t know how to get it off.”  Nice.