Life’s short…

This is a quiz… June 17, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 8:39 am
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How many times do you have to wash a white dog while painting the exterior doors brick red?
Answer to follow….

 

Life is all about choices people! June 15, 2010

Filed under: Blogroll,Humor,Life,Parenting,Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 10:46 am
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Dear family,
#1 Should you choose to make a bowl of cereal in the morning, this would mean that you are making the choice to put said bowl and spoon into the dishwasher (its the black flat thing in the middle of the cabinets)…if the dishwasher is full of clean dishes at the time, then you are also choosing to unload the clean before placing the dirty inside. (Side note, other used dishes throughout the day are included in this choice, and yes this means the pots and pans.)
#2 Should you choose to pee or otherwise in the toilet…any toilet…this would mean that you are also choosing to use the little lever cleverly located on the left hand side of the toilet to flush it down.
#3 Should you choose to wear socks and or underwear on any particular day this would mean you are also choosing to place them in the laundry hamper located in the laundry room…not on the floor, upon their removal…other articles of clothing and towels are also included in this particular choice.
#4 Should you choose to play with the WII, Playstation 2, Gamecube, DS, Sega, or any other such system…you are also choosing to put these items back NEATLY in their proper place.
#5 Should you choose to drag mud ALL THE EFFING WAY THROUGH THE ENTIRE EFFING HOUSE…UPSTAIRS AND DOWN…then you are choosing to get out the damn Floormate, fill it, and then also run it…(I just effing did this at 10:00pm LAST NIGHT!)
#6 Should you choose to turn on lights, TV’s, etc., and then leave a room, you may also choose to shut off the lights, TV’s, etc…OR…pay the astronomical EXCEL BILL! (you get two choices with this one)
#7 Should you choose to sleep in your bed, you are also choosing to make said bed upon departure in the AM or PM or whenever it may be.
#8 Should you sit on my couch or love seat at any given time during the day you are also choosing to fix the pillows and remove any of your crap you left behind upon departure of this area.
#9 Should you choose to wear shoes, then you are also choosing to put them away…where they belong. The back, front, and, middle entryways are not where they belong…just in case you haven’t heard your father and I tell you that the other four frillion times…OUT FRIGGEN LOUD!
#10 Should you choose to remove the contents of any box that I have already packed…then CLEARLY…you are choosing to lose a digit! NO EXCEPTIONS! We move in 13 days people!!!
Thank you.
Signed,
NOT THE DAMN MAID!
PS…
I am choosing to win the damn lottery tomorrow…so please to choose to sell me the winning effing lottery ticket Mr/Ms convenience store cashier!

 

It’s all coming back to me now! November 12, 2007

Filed under: Bars,Beer,Blogroll,Humor,Life,Stupidity,Therapy — mommy2five @ 2:50 pm
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I was thinking about all the topics that I am going to write about on here someday…but…I started to remember some of the incidents and happenings of Saturday night so I thought I might share some of them instead.  Although sorry to disappoint, I will not be telling you in traditional story format, because that is just getting old. 

I remembered that with in the first 10 minutes of being in the bar the words “I am soooo BLOGGING that!” shot out of my mouth…can’t remember however what it was that I was going to blog…just that I was SOOOOO gonna do it.

I remembered taking a whole bunch of pictures of Jennie with Terri and Terri with Jennie, and also Jennie with Dwayne…or was it Dwight?  Jennie with Mark, Mark with Dan, Terri with DJ Dawg (He was officially named Homie DJ Dawg, compliments of Terri and I today, because he whined that he didn’t have a “Homie” name and wanted one), my beer…DUH…cuz I almost always take at least one picture of my beer, (funny how every weekend it looks the same as the last) Terri’s butt, Jennie’s butt, me in the mirror in the bathroom (whoaaa! Can you say flash reflection?)…oh yeah, and then the pictures of us throwing popcorn in Jennie’s hoodie hood, cuz she was “drunk” and wouldn’t remember it in the morning…the unibomber (he had his hood on his head in the bar the entire night…freak) Mark and Jennie again, Dan doing really disgusting things…it involved a tongue and some fingers, me, (man I look really drunk in that one) and finally…my cell phone, (which was actually a text message that was being sent to my lovely birthday boy hubby type that didn’t show up to the bar to party with us for his birthday) the message read, “Fan thinks I got a boo job!”, translation “Dan thinks I got a boob job”…I didn’t.

The night was definitely filled with more “I am soooo gonna blog that!”  But I can’t remember any of the said instances…except for the one about the Rod Lebster…it took me awhile but I finally remembered why I said that, here goes…there was this scrubby looking fellow talking to Jennie, and Terri asked me who he was and why was he talking to her…I replied with…”Oh I think she knows him from the Rod Lebster”…sparking yet another huge bout of laughter from Terri and me and then I said “That’s so mine!  I am so gonna blog that one, you can’t take it from me!!  I totally have to write that down so I don’t forget it.”…somehow it is not nearly as funny as I am typing this.  

I for one did a whole lot of really horrible singing, I will not speak for anyone else…I was for sure beyond drunk…it was definitely not my best night of performances.  The “Trio” for sure tried to sing the Pussy Cat Dolls…again…Jennie.we.so.can’t.sing.that.song.  I do remember at one point somebody and me dancing out on the patio…badly…and no, I did not take off any articles of clothing…I just meant I also cannot dance and somehow it always looks sort of bad and naughty…I don’t try.  I am pretty sure the “Lawn Mower” the “Sprinkler” and “Grocery Shopping” are not real dances…and the “Spanky Spank” also does not qualify…you be the judge.

I just now remembered that I was making faces from the patio into the bar involving my nostrils and fat lips on the glass.oh.dear.God.what.have.I.done?  I better stop now…I am pretty sure I don’t want to remember anything else at this point, I think it may be wise for me to see a shrink.  Does anyone know one that does not have the initials MGD?

That’s it, besides the fact that we stopped at another bar on the way home…we aren’t even going there…I managed to pass out in my bed without…puking…it was a “chunk free” evening…therefore it must have been good evening…right?

 

Possibly another Drunken story… October 23, 2007

Filed under: Bars,Beer,Blogroll,Boredom,Humor,Life,Stupidity,Therapy,Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 9:15 am
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This is a mostly fictitious story possibly based on somewhat actual events that may or may not have occurred on Saturday night…the characters names have been changed to conceal their identities…um…nevermind the photo’s…

(No photo of “T2” is available at this time)

Three amigos, Homie “G”, Homie “T”, and “T2”, set out for a night of fun, the plan was to meet up with a group of other friends at a quaint little place for a few rounds of drinks and some bad um awesome singing, when late in the afternoon it seemed as though the group of others would not be able to make it out.  Oh NO!  Plans had been foiled and Homie “G” was feeling a bit like the night was going to be a flop.  Homie “T”, however, still optimistic that a night of fun was still ahead.  So after much deliberation, the three set out to the quaint little place anyway. 

Upon arriving, their favorite high top was empty and calling their names, they got seated and ordered up a bucket of beer.  The high top next to theirs was occupied by another group of three amigos, how ironic?  We will call them Pink, Brown, and Big “R”.  Homie “G” addresses the group at the other high top, because she is bold like that.  It appeared as though it was Pinks birthday and the three of them were there to celebrate, Pink was already close to three sheets and was an absolute blast!  Brown a little quieter but still a fun girl was well on her way also, Big R seemed to be the instigator in why the two girls were already toast at 9:30 in the evening. 

Soon the two high tops became one, and the two groups of three became a group of six, new friendships had been formed!

“T”, “G”, Pink and Brown continue to tear the place up with lots of horrific, I mean ROCKSTAR singing, and laughter, as Big R and “T2” look fondly upon their chicks.  The night was going fairly smoothly at this point and Big R decides to order up a round of Blow Jobs for the group.  “G” being a beer only kinda gal, hesitantly slams her Blow Job all the while proclaiming her blatant dislike of hard liquor because she knows she will pay severely for it later, and BTW…it tasted like heaven. 

As the evening turned into the wee hours of the morning…1:00am, the bar owners decide to kick them all out…no, I don’t know why…it’s not like the six amigos were out of control or anything…anyway, after the exchange of phone numbers and emails, and lots of hugs kisses and “I love you’s”, cuz you know when you are that drunk, you will hug anyone near you, and friendships that were formed at a bar in 3.5hours “are” for life and you suddenly love these people and you will miss them dearly for sure.  Pink, Brown, and Big R, stumble across the parking lot to the hotel they were staying, and “G”, “T”, and “T2”, get in their motor vehicle to drive home (fortunately “T2” was sober to drive), “T2” and “G” arrive in “T’s” driveway to drop her off and proceed home.

Approximately 1 mile later…“G” says…

“I don’t…BLAAAHHEECCH…I don’t feel so good…hmmm…that strangely tasted like a Blow Job”…no, silly not that kind…the one “G” drank…nevermind

Hey, did you know it is totally un cool to blow chow all over a Lincoln Navigator?  Neither did “G” until Saturday night!

The end

 Stay tuned for the sequel…The Halloween Story, where “T”, “G”, “T2”, and a new character (to be announced) will be playing out their roles in an adventure taking place at Roddy’s, a little shit hole bar in…oh forget it…just stay tuned!

 

 

Blogging hiatus…over October 9, 2007

So it seems as though I went on a blogging hiatus this week?  Well, here is what happened…

A few weeks ago, I had gone to a seminar for keying online (data entry) with my niece.  I thought it would be nice to have a little extra cash once in a while and I could do it when I had extra time, no pressure.  I have been doing that at least a little everyday since then and I enjoy it, it’s a quiet, no pressure, kind of deal.  You only get paid when you work and you only work when you want to.  Great deal for me!  Eugene is the supervisor of this online deal and has been a wonderful support system.

Wednesday morning:

I had just gotten the two little ones off to school and was putting a load of laundry in the (bitch)washer, the phone rang, it was 8:20am, I answered:

Hello?

Hi Gina, this is Eugene, I was wondering if you could come into the office today to help us out, are you busy?

Umm, no, I was just going to try to put my house together today…but it can wait.

Well could you be here…soon?

How soon, I need to shower, and what would I need to wear?

Whatever, just “look good”.

Oookaaay?  I should be able to get there by 9:30-ish.

Great, we’ll see you then!

So, I showered, put on my best pair of Express dress pants, Express cami, and Express sweater, and off I went…to the office. Which is where my story actually begins…

Upon arriving I was sat in a chair at a desk, all that was said was “sit here and look busy, we have some potential clients coming in and the girl that works in this position isn’t here today because she hit her head on the garage door”?

I immediately thought to myself, she is obviously dodging work today, who hits their head on a garage door and then can’t possibly make it into to work?  Sounded fishy to me. As the day progressed, (and they actually did give me something to do, other than just looking good), I had jokingly made the comment that if “garage door” chick didn’t want to show up to work reliably, I would do it.  Two hours later they received an email from “garage door” chick…she quit…I was hired…i.now.have.a.job.

And so, as the story goes, I am now officially a working class citizen after being a stay at homer for somewhere around 18 years, it feels weird and I am trying to adjust since I was in no way prepared to run off and work, at a real job, and my house is still not in order and my time has been monopolized by working during the day and running the kids at night, and also finishing photo orders and shooting sittings, and the house is still a mess, did I mention that one already?  I will get it together, it’s just going to take some time, and a lot more effort than I am used to.  I will try harder to post more than this though, just give me time…just give me time…(that was quite possibly the longest run on sentence in the history of the Life’s short…blog eva!)

P.S.  I can totally wear my Victoria’s Secret Team Pink across the ass sweat pants to work all I want…BONUS!