Life’s short…

Life is all about choices people! June 15, 2010

Filed under: Blogroll,Humor,Life,Parenting,Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 10:46 am
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Dear family,
#1 Should you choose to make a bowl of cereal in the morning, this would mean that you are making the choice to put said bowl and spoon into the dishwasher (its the black flat thing in the middle of the cabinets)…if the dishwasher is full of clean dishes at the time, then you are also choosing to unload the clean before placing the dirty inside. (Side note, other used dishes throughout the day are included in this choice, and yes this means the pots and pans.)
#2 Should you choose to pee or otherwise in the toilet…any toilet…this would mean that you are also choosing to use the little lever cleverly located on the left hand side of the toilet to flush it down.
#3 Should you choose to wear socks and or underwear on any particular day this would mean you are also choosing to place them in the laundry hamper located in the laundry room…not on the floor, upon their removal…other articles of clothing and towels are also included in this particular choice.
#4 Should you choose to play with the WII, Playstation 2, Gamecube, DS, Sega, or any other such system…you are also choosing to put these items back NEATLY in their proper place.
#5 Should you choose to drag mud ALL THE EFFING WAY THROUGH THE ENTIRE EFFING HOUSE…UPSTAIRS AND DOWN…then you are choosing to get out the damn Floormate, fill it, and then also run it…(I just effing did this at 10:00pm LAST NIGHT!)
#6 Should you choose to turn on lights, TV’s, etc., and then leave a room, you may also choose to shut off the lights, TV’s, etc…OR…pay the astronomical EXCEL BILL! (you get two choices with this one)
#7 Should you choose to sleep in your bed, you are also choosing to make said bed upon departure in the AM or PM or whenever it may be.
#8 Should you sit on my couch or love seat at any given time during the day you are also choosing to fix the pillows and remove any of your crap you left behind upon departure of this area.
#9 Should you choose to wear shoes, then you are also choosing to put them away…where they belong. The back, front, and, middle entryways are not where they belong…just in case you haven’t heard your father and I tell you that the other four frillion times…OUT FRIGGEN LOUD!
#10 Should you choose to remove the contents of any box that I have already packed…then CLEARLY…you are choosing to lose a digit! NO EXCEPTIONS! We move in 13 days people!!!
Thank you.
Signed,
NOT THE DAMN MAID!
PS…
I am choosing to win the damn lottery tomorrow…so please to choose to sell me the winning effing lottery ticket Mr/Ms convenience store cashier!

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Schmucks need not apply… February 28, 2008

Filed under: Blogroll,Career,Humor,Life,Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 7:56 am
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I am going to give you a scenario…

A couple of weeks ago I interviewed 80 gagillion people for 3 positions that I needed to fill at my office. The first one of the morning was a very impressive, cute, young, nicely dressed young lady, who was fairly well spoken, and when she left I was really excited about her. The next was a not so nicely dressed, extremely late for the interview, not so well spoken, not so impressive, gal that made my skin crawl every time she said “Well if you axe me…”, or ” Well you can axe this person…” by the time she left I was already burnt out and ready to axe her! The day went on and interview after interview became even more long and grueling, for the most part, but there were a couple more in between the “junk” that were just as impressive as the first girl, and by that evening I had totally made my mind up on three.  It was crucial at this point to get at least three hired and in by the following week, as we had some clients coming through that we needed to make a good impression on. So, I called the three “chosen” ones and asked them to report to work on the following Tuesday and also told them they should be “dressed for success“, which they totally complied with.  When they arrived I quickly gave each of them some “busy’ work to do to make it look like we were in full production and this is how everyday is, busy, busy, busy…

Girl one“, you know the one, I thought she was going to be great! I sat her down with some stacks of papers that had attachments and needed the staples pulled out of them…she begins

Girl two“, (you don’t know this one but she is now my favorite) I had her separating batches of paperwork…she begins.

Girl three“, (you don’t know this one either but I liked her too)  she sits down and begins counting batches of papers into 100’s.

Well, none of these tasks were hard or strenuous by any stretch of the word…”Girl one” asks to use the bathroom…which, I let her do, because I am nice like that…she emerged from the bathroom approximately 20 minutes later…what the hell was she doing in there?  She sits back down at the desk I had placed her at for about 3 minutes and then asks “Can I make a personal phone call?”…I again said sure and she proceeded back to the bathroom area to make the call…15 more minutes go by and she finally returns. She begins working on the stack of papers I gave her again for about 10 minutes or so and then asks the my original employee if there was a place to go smoke…WTF? You haven’t even been here for an entire hour yet!!! All the while the other two newbies continue on diligently with their busy work…

Here is my dilemma…

The day they came in was strictly for “show” purposes, (they all knew we wouldn’t actually be doing any real work) because of the client walk through that we had that day, the actual start date for them is going to be on the 15th of March, at which point my plan was to train them in on a really big project for an entirely different client. (BTW, we did sign the client we had on that walk through date, so I see more hiring in the near future, lucky me). Alright…the dilemma…sometimes I get off the beaten path…I bet you didn’t notice that…anyway, I have already brought “Girl two” in and have started training her, she is working out beautifully. I am thinking about bringing in “Girl three” on Monday to start training her, I am certain she is also going to work out just great. About “Girl one“…I don’t even want to start her because I am certain we are not going to see eye to eye…I know what I need to do…I just don’t know how to do it…How does this sound:

Hi “Girl one” (insert real name here),

 This is Gina from Hiring Schmucks is Not My Gig International, (insert real company name here) I am emailing to tell you that our big assignment that was to launch on April 1st has dropped as a client…we won’t be needing any additional help at this time. I am real sorry, but I thought I would let you know so you can begin seeking employment elsewhere.

Thank you

What I would really like to say:

Hi “Girl one” (insert real name here),

 This is Gina from Hiring Schmucks is Not My Gig International, (insert real company name here) I am emailing to tell you that although you would definitely get an A++ from the fashion police, your work ethic clearly sucks and I already have an employee that occupies that part of the office so I am not in need of another one at this time. If in the near future I am seeking someone who can work 1/8th of the day consistently I will contact you. I am real sorry, but I thought I would let you know so you can begin seeking employment with a company who is looking for a professional, 20 minute tinkling, 15 minute phone talking, I have been here 45 minutes oh my gawd I need a cigarette kind of employee.

Thank you

Which one do you feel is more appropriate? The short and sweet, or the reality check?

 

Have you EVER? January 31, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 8:04 pm
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Ok, so I feel somewhat like a complete and total moron most days lately…here is what I have done in the last week…feel free to sympathise on the basis that you have done some of these same things…

As I am talking to my aunt on the phone trying to get out the door to go to work all the while frantically searching for my damn CELL PHONE…scrambling around the house in and out of the truck…down to my office and back upstairs…into my bedroom out to the kitchen…back to my bedroom and then on to my bathroom…all the while talking to my aunt…on my FRIGGIN’ CELL PHONE…searching…searching…as she says…and I quote…”what the heck are you looking for?”…I say…”My Friggin’ cell phone”…she says…”The one you are talking to me on?”…I say…”Aahh Efen-A!!…What the hell was I thinking?” There went 20 solid minutes of my life.

I get up…get ready for work…start the truck…put on my coat, gloves, and glasses…scoop up my cup of coffee, laptop, purse…and start my frantic search for the keys.to.my.truck…you know the ones…that I already.started.the.damn.truck.with? Another 20 solid minutes out of my life.

Driving along down the freeway on my way back to my office…clearly my mind is in a fog until…suddenly I realize I have passed my exit and I am almost to the bridge that goes directly to my house…have to take the cloverleaf back the other direction on the freeway and back track my sorry ass to my office where I was originally going…not only another 20 minutes out of my life…but about $6.00 extra out of my damn pocket considering the awesome gas mileage my rockstar Lincoln SUV gets.

Go to Beauty Mart to specifically buy some supplies for the secret project…walked out with numerous other items that in no way involve the secret project…and didn’t purchase the originally planned and also very necessary items. Went back the next day and the damn door was locked at 7:49 pm…they aren’t suppose to close until 8:00 pm…needless to say this time I was really really pisster. 11 minutes? I can totally understand 2-3 minutes before 8:00 pm…but hell no not 11 whole minutes…What the eff? I am so going to go there when the manager is there and tattle on the damn lazy ass that closed the door 11.whole.minutes.early. Doesn’t she know how badly I needed those items? I mean it’s the weekend…DUH!

In all seriousness…my brain is fried…I never knew this whole having a full time job and trying to keep up with these kids and their sports and the regular stuff like making an actual meal for supper, doing the laundry, shopping, cleaning, etc…would be such a challenge. I almost took a picture of the laundry room for you all…it’s been bad before…but this was completely out of control…OH MY GOODNESS…what the hell blew up in here? Did the laundry mate while I was at work today? It was like that episode of Star Trek when the Tribbles multiplied…no really… no joke…but thought twice about the picture thing because I didn’t want to scare anyone. I have just about got it under control now but it wasn’t easy.

In the midst of trying to keep things somewhat under control at home and completely furnishing and setting up a whole new office space for my department at work I also attended 3 funerals and 2 wakes since last Saturday.  I am totally funeral-ed out so no more damn dying anyone…GOT IT? I am a member of my daughter who plays varsity hockey’s Redline club…it’s the club that funds all of the extra activities and special things the girls do throughout the season…I love to be involved with these associations, it keeps us involved with our kids and the community and I have also made a ton of really awesome friends…so anyhooo…the big spaghetti fundraiser was on Saturday last weekend which clearly meant that we had to cook the sauce on Thursday night (I thought they said get sauced so of course I showed up) did you know that it takes until 1:00 am to make spaghetti sauce for 600 people? What? Well it did…then on Friday night after the hockey game got over with we had to go and cook the noodles…until…you guessed it…1:00 am…then I promptly got up at six.friggen.forty.five. in the friggen morning on Saturday to go to the Band Backers breakfast fundraiser for our lovably nerdy middle daughter and then off to the VFW again for the actual spaghetti dinner fundraiser…I arrived home after an entire day of drinking at the VFW and then meeting up with my bestest buddy and her husband (and of courseHomie DJ DAWG himself) for a couple of drinks at Sargeant Peppers…I think I arrived home at approximately 12:3o am-ish….and yes just in case you were wondering I was exhausted and extremely hung over on Sunday. Thanks for asking…

The good news…I also belong to the volunteer committee for Fastpitch Softball…Saturday is the taco feed and meat raffle fundraiser…I am totally planning another hangover this Sunday…does anyone have a problem with that? Yep…I didn’t think so…

 

Crap and Corruption Continued… November 29, 2007

Filed under: Beer,Blogroll,Humor,Life,Parenting,Stupidity — mommy2five @ 8:25 am
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Ok, so I haven’t been too avid about posting lately…I will just say this…It’s my blog and I will write when I want to…sung to the tune “It’s My Party and I will Cry If I Want Too”  Well anyhoo…did you miss me?  Allow me fill you in on the last 9 days…

Wednesday the 21st was a lot like this topped off with a whole lot of this.  The night before Thanksgiving is a huge event in the town we live in.  It is a lot like a high school reunion thing where everyone crawls out of the woodwork to party and well…I guess…reunite…and drink…a lot.  I think we got home real, real late and were maybe sleeping by approximately 5:00am…come on, I can’t give you all of the details!  Got up at the crack of dawn (11:30am) on Turkey day…just in time to throw some stuffing in the turkster, and toss it the roaster for the day, but not until after we paraded him around naked doing the turkey dance…hey…the “Turkey Dance”…that’s a new one.  Cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, and threw in approximately 20 or so loads of laundry so my house could look somewhat presentable for my favorite peeps to arrive at 4:30pm.  Let the festivities begin…

We had a great night stuffing ourselves and playing games and I of course drank lots more beer to cure the leftover hangover (which worked well and I actually think I am going to utilize that theory more often) we proceeded to stay up until after 1:00am…again.  Normally my hubby and I would get into bed early on Thanksgiving night so we can get up at the butt crack of dawn to plow through the crowds of vicious shoppers trying to get that steal of a deal…needless to say…I wasn’t in the mood and neither was the hubby.  Instead we set the alarm for the butt crack of dawn (for real this time, 5:00am) rolled over in bed, grabbed the laptop and efficiently ordered up the one thing we wanted to get…online…rolled over and went back to sleep until noon.  AHHH the life! 

Saturday was more of this and Sunday followed with this

Monday was a slight bit different with the fact that I woke up to get ready for work and my face was slightly swollen…hmmm…I thought…actually it was more like…”Holy effing shit!!!  What the hell is that???”  It seams as though I was bitten by a giant tarantula while I slept…ok, so maybe it was just a plain old spider, but by the looks of my face you would have thought it was a giant tarantula…I did.  As the day went forward…it swelled to astronomical magnitudes…I.was.not.happy.  By the end of the night I felt and looked like someone had socked me in the cheek.  Well, maybe it wasn’t quite that bad…it felt like it.  I went to sleep thinking that by morning it would subside a bit…not.  I woke up on Tuesday and looked just as bad as it did the day before…nice.  The rest of Tuesday went a bit like this, only mixed in with the fact that we were at the hockey rink from 3:00 pm until 10:30 pm because all three of the hockey playing kids had hockey…one.right.after.the.other…and Kate played two games…in.a.row.  Uuughh.  Iamsosickofhockey. 

On a much happier note…my little angel Madison was watching me apply my makeup this morning…lots of makeup…I was trying to hide the tarantula bite…which now actually just looks a lot like a giant zit…which I can almost live with…and she said “Mommy, why do you put that stuff on your face, you are pretty without it”  She melts me…and also…I love her. 

Well, that should about wrap it up…I am off to go shopping with my favorite bud eva!!!  Have a great day!!!

 

Walmart Sucks October 21, 2007

Filed under: Blogroll,Boredom,Humor,Life,Parenting,Stupidity,Therapy,Uncategorized — mommy2five @ 4:16 am
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It never ceases to amaze me, the sincere lack of intelligence that creeps through our Walmart.

I had a return, which is almost like a death sentence.  As I waited in the line at the customer service desk, all of two people deep, I had a conversation with the lady in line behind me.  We were simply chatting about the 15 minute wait in a line two people deep and how it would be very beneficial to that store to get a couple of extra people there to wait on customers more efficiently.  As we complained to each other (me sighing and rolling my eyes every couple of minutes, never mind the unconscious foot tapping…I swear I don’t do it on purpose…what?…I don’t) about the lack of service and how dirty the store is and how poor the management has always seemed to be…my turn finally came… 

I stepped up to the customer service rep who was apparently listening in on our not so quiet conversation and she says…and I quote: “Yeaahhh, I’ma gonna get me back into some schooolin so’s I can get me some of that there business and manager type a degrees, so’s I can come backs to here’s and turn this here place around.” 

Sincerely befuddled by the grammer, I put my head down towards the counter and once again rolled my eyes, giggled to myself just a little under my breath, and thought…maybe you shoulds get you’s some of that there grammer schoolin first!

Which then reminds me of reason number approximately 8 gagillion, why I hate the place with all of my heart…I know you are asking why do you still torment yourself by even pulling into the parking lot?  It’s the closest “get everything done” kinda store we have here, and the prices are a lot cheaper um er more reasonable than Target, and I am really frugal like that.  I probably spend somewhere around $400 every two weeks on the essentials of living like groceries, and toiletries and such for this lovely family of seven, plus the four and a half pound dog.  When I buy the same overflowing cart full of things at Target it ends up costing at least $100+ more.  I can’t bring myself to “waste” that kind of cash twice a month just for the sake of my sanity, therefore I continue to torture myself and go to what has been lovingly referred to by the local folk for the past five years since it opened as “Ghetto Walmart”.  Oh well, maybe I will win the lottery tonight and hire someone to do all of my shopping for me.  What?  It could happen!

 

Feeling a little bloggy today… October 19, 2007

Well…since Terri and Joe think that I have been neglecting my blog… I decided to be all bloggy on my day off and overload you all!  You can totally always count on me to be nice like that.  So without further adoooo…A WEEK IN REVIEW…It started out last Saturday morning when for the first time in months I had not woken up from a bad dream about my childhood (aka nutjob mother…elaboration coming someday…maybe) but instead I had dreamt that my home office was this really calm and fun place to work in…so duh…I went to Menards and bought paint…

This is what it looked like before (well after I asked my really awesome hubby if A, he would help me move everything out of my office)

 

(And 2, if he cared that I paint my office PINK)

 

Isn’t it cool?  I love it!  It’s like I am shopping at Vickie’s all day long!

 

Then off to meet the BFF and “company” at the bar of course

There was some of this…

 

And a little of that…

 

And maybe some of this…

 

OOOOh how I love the whole payback thing!  LOL!

We had some serious fun that night.

And sorry Joe…we forgot to take the pic you requested, will this do?

 

I only had to work at the office two days this week, so on my days off I keyed at home in my pretty pretty new office, went through the 4 gagillion penis enlargement emails (which I graciously forwarded onto some my friends that I thought were maybe in need of something like that, because..duh…I don’t have a penis of my own and I am also nice like that), met with a couple of customers, worked on photo orders, went to conferences for 4 of the 5 of my superduperdeedoo chicklets, and tried to find space for all of the leftover crap from my office that I have no idea what to do with…

 

Not happening…

Did I mention the Amazing Rock Incident?

 

That’s right, you heard me…it appears there is this amazing rock that can totally jump some 15 feet in the air.all.by.it’s self.

 

No really…look!

 

This happened last week Thursday night, when I was busy in my still olive drab office.  My son came down to my office and said, and I quote, “the window is broken”…not “I broke the window”…but rather, “the window is broken”…I asked…”How did the window get broken?”  and he simply replied with…”this rock rolled across the sidewalk and it took a bad hop up and hit the window”…I then said…”how does a rock just take a bad hop up and hit the window hard enough to break it?”…he said…”I don’t know, it just did.”…that is almost the end of the story, I will keep the events that occurred after to myself…yes he IS still alive today.

 

Blogging hiatus…over October 9, 2007

So it seems as though I went on a blogging hiatus this week?  Well, here is what happened…

A few weeks ago, I had gone to a seminar for keying online (data entry) with my niece.  I thought it would be nice to have a little extra cash once in a while and I could do it when I had extra time, no pressure.  I have been doing that at least a little everyday since then and I enjoy it, it’s a quiet, no pressure, kind of deal.  You only get paid when you work and you only work when you want to.  Great deal for me!  Eugene is the supervisor of this online deal and has been a wonderful support system.

Wednesday morning:

I had just gotten the two little ones off to school and was putting a load of laundry in the (bitch)washer, the phone rang, it was 8:20am, I answered:

Hello?

Hi Gina, this is Eugene, I was wondering if you could come into the office today to help us out, are you busy?

Umm, no, I was just going to try to put my house together today…but it can wait.

Well could you be here…soon?

How soon, I need to shower, and what would I need to wear?

Whatever, just “look good”.

Oookaaay?  I should be able to get there by 9:30-ish.

Great, we’ll see you then!

So, I showered, put on my best pair of Express dress pants, Express cami, and Express sweater, and off I went…to the office. Which is where my story actually begins…

Upon arriving I was sat in a chair at a desk, all that was said was “sit here and look busy, we have some potential clients coming in and the girl that works in this position isn’t here today because she hit her head on the garage door”?

I immediately thought to myself, she is obviously dodging work today, who hits their head on a garage door and then can’t possibly make it into to work?  Sounded fishy to me. As the day progressed, (and they actually did give me something to do, other than just looking good), I had jokingly made the comment that if “garage door” chick didn’t want to show up to work reliably, I would do it.  Two hours later they received an email from “garage door” chick…she quit…I was hired…i.now.have.a.job.

And so, as the story goes, I am now officially a working class citizen after being a stay at homer for somewhere around 18 years, it feels weird and I am trying to adjust since I was in no way prepared to run off and work, at a real job, and my house is still not in order and my time has been monopolized by working during the day and running the kids at night, and also finishing photo orders and shooting sittings, and the house is still a mess, did I mention that one already?  I will get it together, it’s just going to take some time, and a lot more effort than I am used to.  I will try harder to post more than this though, just give me time…just give me time…(that was quite possibly the longest run on sentence in the history of the Life’s short…blog eva!)

P.S.  I can totally wear my Victoria’s Secret Team Pink across the ass sweat pants to work all I want…BONUS!