Kids are gross! March 24, 2008

I know that doesn’t sound really nice coming from someone who happens to have five of them…but…

My children are actually almost 19, 16, 13, 10, and 7 years old…

Let’s start with babies…you know…the little ones. They are so full of runny stuff…and have absolutely no prob spewing really disgusting things out in various forms…first is usually the white sour smelling crap that comes out of their mouths consistently…sometimes it may even be chunky…and/or come out of their nose. EEEEWWWEEEE!!!

Did you know there is a scientific problem when it comes to infants…it is the aspect of babies that defies all laws of gravity…shit…and I do mean actual shit…will inevitably travel from the lower portion of the body and reveal it’s ugly (no pun intended) rear at the neckline…how the hell does this happen? They are sitting up all relaxed in their little chair or worse yet your lap and the next thing you know that mustard colored, snotty consistency, runny assed shit is coming out of their friggen neck!  Gross…this is the point that you remove all clothing and toss directly into the trash…rubber gloves and gas masks are highly recommended!!!

Then there is the constant drool that seems to run for approximately 18 friggen months and if you are me…a bib is part of the “outfit” because gross…they are always wet.

They eat with their hands…anything…even if it wasn’t edible to begin with and or also if it was meant to be eaten last week…remember that sippy cup of milk you lost a week ago?  They will eventually find it and apparently the pungent smell is not enough to ward them off of it. Slurp…I have seen this one with my own eyes…GAG!

Eventually they grow…and as they do the messes and gross things they do just change…not go away. Toothpaste smeared all over the bathroom sink and spit all over the counter and mirror because apparently brushing your teeth needs to involve the entire bathroom. Globs of shampoo, conditioner and body soap…dried…don’t worry I will keep the really gross bathroom stuff to myself…except for maybe the time the toilet overflowed so bad that it flooded the kitchen ceiling below and they didn’t bother tell me until I happened to notice the ceiling bowing and had to poke holes in it to release the toilet water before the whole thing gave out…nice…that was a really fun repair job…NOT!

Throughout the years I have spent many hours first scraping the boogers off of the wall and then trying to scrub them off with a bucket of very strong ammonia water…which never worked because those suckers apparently are the secret formula they use in glue…and ultimately it is just easier to paint the effing wall, and yes you do have to sand first unless you like the textured look.

What prompts this post you ask? We moved Madison the youngest, into Kirsten, the oldest sisters old bedroom this weekend…I found all kinds of really cool treasures in there when cleaning it out…my Gawd! She was in that room for a whole six years…how the hell does one trash a room like that? I couldn’t even tell you what most of the shit all over the carpet and walls was but clearly she spilled alot…interesting considering we have a no food or drink in the bedroom policy which was more than obviously ignored by one certain teenager. Well guess how she spent her Easter Sunday…that’s right…she found her Easter basket from the bunny and then proceeded to remove the various types of tape and stickers from the doors and walls and sanding other various unidentifiable chunks of who knows what off of the walls…I think she had fun…and I am pretty sure she will no longer tape things to walls and furniture…WHEW! That only took 19 years to grow her out of!

Madison will be officially moved into her new room tonight…can’t wait to see what I find in her old room.